Conquering a Mountain

Three years ago after my mission and when I was living at the Callisters, I decided that I wanted to go hiking. There was a good spot where I could start hiking. I got prepared and started going up the mountain. After few hours, I got to a point where I didn't think I could go any further because there were so many trees and bushes. As I climbed down, I sworn to go back one day and get to the top.

Today, that happened. I went back and conquered that mountain. Before I left, though, I wrote a will just in case if I never came back to tell the tale. When I first started going up, I saw a footprint of an animal. I concluded that it was a cougar's. I decided that I would either die from falling or get eaten by a cougar. I prayed that neither would happen.

 Here are some pictures:

Going down is scarier than going up because I could have slipped and just fallen. Also, I had to climb down which is a lot scarier than climbing up. When you climb up, you can see where you are stepping. When you climb down, you have no idea if you are stepping on the right spot.

There were also many pretty flowers. I couldn't resist taking pictures of them.

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Remembering

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel." -Mosiah 4:11-

When I get down and trials happen in my life, I focus on what's happening in my life right now rather than remembering what the Lord has done for me. When I read this scripture last night, I realized that I have been  forgetting to do the most important thing in the gospel: remembering.

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Disappointing Myself

Sometimes what kills me the most is not what people do to me but what I do to others. When people disappoint me or offend me, it kills me. However, when I think about what I do to disappoint others or offend them, it kills me even more.

There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.

When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?

I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.

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Untitled

It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.

Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.

Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?

Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?

I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.

However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.

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Kyoo's Life: Job Search and a Calling

It's been a long time since I have written. It is not because I have been busy. I have just been lazy.

I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.

During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.

On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."

I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!

I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.

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