Disappointing Myself

Sometimes what kills me the most is not what people do to me but what I do to others. When people disappoint me or offend me, it kills me. However, when I think about what I do to disappoint others or offend them, it kills me even more.

There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.

When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?

I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.