Walking in Darkness

An excerpt from Friday, February 7, 2014:

"What is my future? What does the Lord have in mind for me? Am I to find your* mother this year? Am I to go to a graduate school this year? It feels like the future is very much like a black hole that I don't know where it goes to or what's inside. I am walking in complete darkness. I feel as though I an't see the end. I don't see the light. I am trapped. Trapped inside a black hole called future. There is no end. I take a step but nothing changes. The surroundings look exactly the same. I take another step. I feel something but everything still looks the same. Where am I? Where am I going? Is there an end to this? Will this end? Will I be able to see the light again?
"I keep moving because I don't know what else to do. I know I can't just sit still. I must escape from here. Am I going somewhere? I don't know. I am just walking, hoping that I will get somewhere. I know where I will be. I know what I will have. However, I am in darkness right now, just walking aimlessly hoping I will get there someday..."

*I write in my journal as if I am talking to my future children.

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Looking for the Perfect One; Being the Perfect One

I am writing this based off of these two articles/posts: How to Find a Real Man and Dating Advice: Looking Past the List.

I have never made a list of qualities I look for in a woman that I want to marry. Don't ask me why because it was never intentional. However, as I went on a lot of dates and dated a few girls, I realized that I don't really have a "list" of qualities that attracts me. In a way, I just go on dates with those whom I find fun and intriguing. However, if I were to make a list right now, I would say that the most important things (see how it's plural?) are me feeling like she has a testimony of the gospel, being able to have intellectual conversations, and being able to see my potential. Those are the things I always look for.

However, I learned that the list that I make should be for us to develop first. It means that we should develop those qualities first before looking for someone with those qualities because if he/she doesn't think you have those qualities, that person wouldn't want to date you either. For myself, if a girl doesn't feel like I have a testimony of the gospel, why does it matter if I feel that she does?

I know that the whole point of the second article is about looking past the list. However, the list that she was talking about consisted of physical qualities; whereas, mine is not (maybe the second one on my list is still a lot to ask). I understand her point. I really do, and there are no buts. Going along with some of her points, I do think that I am focused on finding the perfect one. To me the perfect one is someone who has it all, with whom I would not doubt my decision of dating/marrying her.

However, it is hard to not doubt or fear in a relationship. Why? Because we all want to make the right decision. It's obvious that no one wants to get a divorce and be unhappy. However, as the first article talks about, we need to work at it. I have learned that very recently unfortunately. I have ended a relationship because I thought that relationships are supposed to last forever just naturally. That's not true. Do you have a good relationship with your parents or siblings even though you fought with them all the time? You have to work hard to love them! It's the same with dating; you have to work to continue to love them and love them even more when you find out about their weaknesses and faults (I am sure you will find a lot of them when you get married).

Looking for the one you want to marry doesn't work by just you looking. It takes time and effort searching, but most importantly, it takes you becoming the one that the girl/boy of your dreams would like to marry. You must become the person on your list to meet the person on your list. However, don't let what's not important/worldly/trivial qualities stop you from seeing the perfect person for you. Remember, if you are looking for a person who is perfect, you will miss the perfect person for you and that person will know that you are not perfect for him/her.

*I have said "the one" or "the perfect one" but know that I do believe that there are more than one person who could be perfect for you.

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Intimidated

I have been thinking about this for a while and I decided to actually write about it so that I could form a concrete idea about it. You see, as a guy and as a guy who lives in Provo, Utah, I am "supposed" to ask a girl out on a date (this could be another topic to discuss later). Anyways, that's not the point. What I wanted to talk about was how sometimes guys might get intimidated to ask a girl out. Maybe not every guy but I am one of those guys who looks at a girl and thinks, "She is really pretty and fun to hang out with but she's too intellectual/artsy/musical/athletic/etc so I am too intimidated/scared to ask her out."

Maybe it's just me but that is so intimidating  that I would not ask her out. It's not a bad quality that a person has but I am so worried about not being able to carry on a conversation or not having anything in common that I would not even ask her out. As I write this, I realize how stupid that sounds because people are not interested in one thing and I believe that "opposites attract;" however, I can't get the courage to ask girls out if I feel that they are, in a way, out of my league.

So how do I fix this? Simple; ask them out anyways. I don't really know them until I talk to them and spend time with them. Maybe they are interested in me (or you) but because you didn't ask them out and didn't give them a chance, you would lose a great opportunity to at least make some friends.

Being intimidated is my choice. I looked at a great quality of a person and decided that it is too much for me. However, how would I really know that is too much for me? What am I really scared of? Maybe I think that when a girl is, for example, way athletic, she probably wants to spend her time being outdoor and playing sports all the time instead of just hanging out. That sounds really dumb. I need to just ask myself why I wouldn't ask a girl out and if the answer is fear, then I need to get the courage to ask her out anyways.

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Writing Songs... Being Open...

I love music. I love to sing. Growing up, I listened to lots of music because I was always drawn to music. When I got older, I started to sing songs that I made up. Because I am not a prodigy when it comes to music, I was never able to write what I sang down; however, I always enjoyed just making my own songs. Songs about my life. Songs about love. Songs about being sad. Songs about everything. I felt as if I could express myself completely.

Since I started playing guitar more often, I started to get familiar with chords I play and I was able to make up notes that go with those chords. Now, I can sing whatever I want as I play guitar.

I don't consider myself a good writer but I do it because I enjoy it. I feel like I can fully express myself, even things that I would never consider telling others. You see, I have a very hard time expressing myself to others because 1. I am afraid to be judged and 2. I don't know how to convey what I am feeling or thinking with words. It takes me a long time to think about what I am thinking and feeling before I make sense. It's better for me to write things down rather than blurt them out. Even when I was trying to tell a girl why I liked her, it didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel like I got everything out of my chest.

You know, I know some of my friends would read a lot of things I write but it doesn't bother me to write anything but it's so hard for me to say it. Perhaps, it's because I actually think about what I write before I write. I have written many things that I have never told anyone about on this blog such as depression and suicidal thoughts. It's very therapeutic for me to be open. 

So I want to tell you one thing about me that I've been wanting to tell the girl I told you about above. I don't know when I will ever have an opportunity to do it but I want to let it out. She told me before that she has struggled growing up because many kids have made fun of her; therefore, she had low self-esteem. I wanted to tell her that I always had (and still kind of do) low self-esteem. I never had a lot of friends. I had a few that I hung out with but never was a social butterfly. I never had a girl who was interested in me. Then I started wearing glasses when I was in the fifth grade. I was never made fun of for having glasses; however, it only brought my self-esteem down even more. I always thought that I was ugly. I have never ever gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day. I became more awkward around girls. I was never able to express how I really felt.

I guess that's all I want to say for now.

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Untitled

It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.

Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.

Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?

Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?

I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.

However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.

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Mending the Heart; Healing the Soul

Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep because I took a nap for an hour and half which only felt like I closed my eyes for an hour and half. Anyways, since I couldn't fall asleep, I decided to read a little from General Conference. I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk called "Four Titles" and few paragraphs stood out to me:

"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents...
"Remember that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is built not for men and women who are perfect or unaffected by mortal temptations, but rather it is built for people exactly like you and me."

And then I read the next subheading before deciding to try to sleep: Healer of Souls. That's where the title of this post came from and also I thought of Broken Things to Mend, a book by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

That was the preface of my post. I am already starting to get emotional as I think about what I am about to write. It's interesting how every time I try to share something that I have hidden or buried deep in my heart, I get really emotional.

Mending the Heart
Few months back (about six months ago), I decided to open myself up a little bit so I wrote this post and updated my Mormon.org profile. Ever since then, I made a new label for posts: Depression.

My heart has been broken many times, mostly by girls. There were few times in my life when I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard. I felt like I just couldn't go on.

There were two occasions when I was really depressed. The earlier occasion shouldn't have been too bad but it overwhelmed me. However, I had friends who supported me and gave me courage. I still remember being in bed, not being able to show myself to anyone. One of my roommates walked into my room and said, "Kyoo, can I give you a hug." I told him he could. He embraced me while I was under my blanket. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it any longer. I just cried. I thanked him and then he left the room. The next day, I felt so much better, and I am eternally grateful to that friend.

The later event was actually worse. Just worse. I know people out there who have gone way more than I have. I am not trying to compete or say that I've gone through what you have gone through but to me, that was the worst thing that has happened to me. I didn't want to live. Life was too hard. Life is too hard. However, I got through it.

How many time does my heart need to be broken? I don't know but I am sure it will happen many times in my life by girls, deaths, disappointments, etc. However, I decided that even if I feel like death at that time, even if I feel like giving up, I believe in Christ who made it possible for me to stand tall and keep moving forward.

Healing the Soul
I guess the fact that I never had high self-esteem could have caused the problem above but I also devalue the worth of my soul. I learned recently that the worth of soul is great because the worth is Christ. He paid for our souls. However, my soul has been sick, devalued by me.

I consider myself the worst person in the world. I blame myself for everything and sometimes dream that the world would be a better place without me. I feel that I cause harm in others. I would rather be "used" to help someone than not help someone. This is all due to the fact that I my worth comes from using up my resources to help others.

I used to think that if I could benefit someone in some way even though it would hurt me, I would do it because their value/worth is greater than mine. Why would you not think that when you believe that you have done so many terrible things in your life that God will only hide His face from you? How could you not believe that the worth of your soul is Christ when you are so wicked?

"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
"And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" -2 Nephi 4:26-27-

I felt like Nephi of old did except mine didn't end like this: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." -2 Nephi 4:28- I did the exact opposite. I put myself down and gave into the enemy of my soul and decided to remain in darkness.

It's not easy to forgive myself. My past always haunts me. However, I learned to accept my past, learn from it, and move on. I cannot serve others if I am engulfed with sorrow and let the "enemy of my soul" invade my soul. I also had to realize that everyone makes mistakes, not just me. Everyone struggles with trials, temptations, and sorrow. Knowing that I am not the only one gives me hope that I can move on and continue walking.

Learning from General Conference
This General Conference has helped me so much with these topic. For one, Elder Craig A. Cardon said:

"The Savior forgives sins “upon earth” and not just at the Final Judgment. He does not excuse us in our sins. He does not condone our return to past sins. But when we repent and obey His gospel, He forgives us."

Also, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf told a story of Jane:

"Given her dark past, Jane could easily have become vindictive, venomous, or violent. But she didn't. She resisted the temptation to spread the darkness, refusing to lash out in anger, hurt, or cynicism. Instead, she held fast to the hope that with God’s help she could be healed. She chose to radiate light and devote her life to helping others."

Long time ago, I decided that my life is service. I want to serve someone not because I feel that their souls worth more than mine but because this is what the Lord requires of me and because I love God. Christ has atoned for my sins, sorrows, afflictions, temptations, depression, and much more and all He and Heavenly Father require of me is service.


When I need my heart to be mended and my soul to be healed, I pray for God's mercy and Christ's grace to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It hurts to take a step after a step. Sometimes, the Telestial Kingdom seems very appealing, but if I give up now, I don't help anyone but will only bring sorrow to others. I would be so selfish to think that I wouldn't affect anyone. I chose life over death and Christ over Satan.

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Dream, Rain, Song

This morning I woke up feeling kind of sad and depressed; I had a dream that bothered my peace. I don't remember exactly what I dreamt but I remember crying and being very upset about something. How could emotions from a dream carry over to the real life? I can't answer that even though I am a (future) Psychologist.

Basically, the day didn't start out the way I would like it to but I tried to cheer myself up. I tried watching Mormon Message videos such as this one: 

and read the Book of Mormon. Unfortunately, it helped only a little.

Then I heard raindrops outside as I was getting read to go to work. It was still dark out and I couldn't see well but I saw that the ground was wet. It was either raining or rained already. I love rain but today it just made me even more somber (I think that is the best word to describe how today is). It's not in a "life stinks" way but it's just "where is this going" kind of a way.

I guess you didn't know this but I wrote a song to ask a girl out on a date. It was fun writing the song so I've been trying to write another song; however, even though I figured out what chords I want to use and strumming patterns, I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about.

The future is unknown because we only live in the present; however, we know the future because we made choices because of the future. I have no idea what I am saying right now but I want to do my best. I don't want to give up easily anymore. I want to keep trying and trying. Even if I get hurt trying, I know that I've done my best and the Lord will consecrate my efforts.

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Uncertainty

Uncertainty. It's something that is not pleasing at all. Why? Because you do not know. Not knowing gives you fear. Fear overtakes faith.

Right now, my life is full of uncertainties. I don't know what's going to happen after I graduate in 7 weeks or so. I don't know what I am doing with my personal life.

I guess it doesn't make me depressed but it worries me. Meta-worry (worrying about worrying) kills me also. I am worried that I am worrying about all these uncertainties.

These uncertainties might come from me more than anyone else. I am not confident with myself. I feel like I am not good enough. I don't have high self-esteem or self-confident. Sometimes I feel like it's easier for me to give up on everything because I feel like there is no point in trying when I know (I think I know) that nothing is going to work out. That's why before, I wanted to just drop everything and move to Africa where there are less expectations.

I don't have a solution. I have no clue what is expected of me from God. If I have uncertainties and if I start to get worried about these uncertainties, I am lacking faith for sure. I am not going to lie that I know I am lacking faith right now. I want to be strong. I want to exercise my faith but I don't know what to do. I don't know anything. All I know is that God knows me and loves me. I know that the Savior died for me. I know the truthfulness of the gospel but I don't know or am not sure about anything else.

What am I to do?

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Asking a Girl Out

This is something that everybody knows but forget to remember.

Dating, or more specifically going on dates, is to get to know each other. It is not to make out. It is not to make a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you don't know the person, you don't want to have a relationship with that person.

So when a guy asks a girl out on a date, it should mean "hey, you sound pretty cool! I would like to get to know you better." rather than "I want to marry you." Dates are no big deals! Don't make them sound so serious. Besides dating is mostly in the Mormon culture. Everywhere else it's "hey, we've been hanging out with each everyday and we like each other so we should 'date (steady)'."

Going on a date should not be a big deal. Asking a girl should not be a big deal. However, people make it a big deal because if someone gets asked out, it's like "this person wants to marry me." That might be true for some weird, crazy, desperate guys but not true for 99% of us.

Don't make it hard for guys to ask you out, ladies. Make it easy for us. Don't make a big deal out of it, please.

Related Posts
Understanding Dating: Problem #1
Understanding Dating: Problem #2
Understanding Dating: The Key
Understanding Dating: Assumption, Over-analysis & Expectation
Understanding Dating: Thank You, The 100 Hour Board!

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How I Met Your Mother

This is not depressing at all. This is not necessarily about dating, friends, family, gospel, philosophy, life, or mission. This post has little bits of each.

I have been watching a show called "How I Met Your Mother." It's not super hilarious nor always appropriate. However, the reason why I like the show is the thought provoking quotes and how much I can relate to Ted Mosby, the main character. In the show, Ted is telling his kids how he met his wife. The past Ted is always looking for "the one." However, the future Ted always reminds his kids that all the stories/events that he tell them somehow lead up to how he met his wife.

(I will come back to the show in a little bit) Yesterday, I went to Panda Express and got a fortune which said, "A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune." It was very fitting because I had made a decision about something and felt like that is the way it's supposed to be. OK, it's about asking someone on a date but I decided not to (and I am glad I decided not to).

The fortune I got was like the show "How I Met Your Mother" because the whole show is about how different events that Ted goes through somehow lead to meeting his wife. I believe that this is true for me and for others as well. We are constantly choosing, changing, and going through life with different events. Whatever decision we make prepares us for the moment when we meet our spouse or even anyone in our lives whom we will impact one way or another.

All the experiences I had, whether be good or bad, lead me to that moment when I will meet my future wife. The moment that I am waiting for. When that time comes, I will be prepared to meet her, talk to her, and get to know her. (Does that mean I believe that there is "the one"?) Or I will be prepared to choose who that person will be as I meet many girls, talk to them, and get to know them then we will start to trust each other, respect each other, and honor each other. Eventually, we will develop love for each other.

In other posts, I wrote about how we need to prepare to serve others. You can't go back in time to change things but you can always change the past right now. If you made a mistake in the past, choose to become a better person through your mistakes. You don't need to go back in time to correct your mistakes but choose now to do what is right. Don't make the same mistake again. Always choose looking forward in the future. Prepare now. Prepare for the first moment when you will meet your spouse. Prepare to serve others when God calls you to serve.

"Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?
"Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—
"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.
"Hence many are called, but few are chosen." -Doctrine and Covenants 121:34-35, 37, & 40-

Related Posts
"For that moment..."
Instrument of God
A Privilege to Know God
If You Could Go Back in Time...

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Dear Future Wife,

I don't know who you are...

But I bet you are beautiful...

You wouldn't need to change a thing at all...

I would do anything for you...

When the time is right...

Until we meet...

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Realizations

Realization #1
In my psychology class, my non-LDS professor talked about whether God matters (in psychology, of course). He said that professors here at BYU who are devout Mormons do not pray before they start their research. Then I started to think about my life. Do I involve God in everything I do? I do not. Do I believe that God matters in my life? I do.
So this is what I should do. I should involve God in everything I do: taking tests, doing my homework, going to work, going to classes, asking a girl out on a date, etc.

Realization #2

In one of my classes today, a professor showed this video. As I was watching it, I couldn't help write down some of the thoughts/inspirations I received. It is true that no one knows how long you are going to live. You might have a disease that you don't know about like Powers's mother. Maybe, you will get in an accident tomorrow.

What I realized is that I have to seize the day (carpe diem); however, it's more than a day that I need to seize. I need to seize my life. Seize the life!

There are things you can control and things you can't control. I can't change the direction that clouds move. I can't control a lot of things. However, what I can control is what I should do. I should act instead of reacting or being acted upon. I am an agent of my life.

So I am going to ask a girl out on a date.

Realization #3

There are so many things that a girl can benefit from going on a date. I am not saying that in a boastful or prideful way. I think we all can benefit from each other. It could be from learning what each other is interested in to learning to be more patient. I don't care how I benefit this girl I want to ask out. I know that she will benefit and that's all I want her to get out of. If she's not willing to go on a date with me, she won't benefit from whatever I have to offer. I don't know what I have to offer but I know that there are things I can  offer.

The same goes for all of you. We all have a lot to offer to each other. That's why relationships (e.g., friendship, parent-child relationship, romantic relationship) are so important in our lives. We can't survive without having a relationship with someone.

Learn from others. Teach others. Live in a world where relationship matters. Where God matters.

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Relationship

Notice that I did not label this as "depression" meaning it does not make me depressed. I just want to talk about few things.

You know the worst thing about getting out of a relationship? It's not spending weekends by yourself. It's not being depressed. The worst thing about getting out of a relationship is that you lose your best friend, who cares about you, who listens to you whenever you need to vent, and who makes you feel secure. I miss that more than anything.

People told me how they are jealous that I could still be friends with girls I dated. I thought this was the case until recently. I can't be friends with them because it hurts them for me to talk to them. I decided to not get hurt so it doesn't bother me anymore, but I don't want to hurt them so I shouldn't talk to them. No, I can't be friends with girls I dated because I care about them too much.

They are better off without me. What they probably don't realize is that while they are still hanging out friends on weekends, I am in my apartment by myself doing absolutely nothing productive. Do I feel bad for myself? No. I deserve it. I hope they will be happy.

My favorite movie is now "500 Days of Summer." I am definitely not saying that I hate girls. I just feel like I can relate to that movie so much. Things that happen in the movie, especially what Tom felt and thought throughout the movie, were what I have experienced in my dating life.

I know many girls don't like this movie. Now you understand why many guys don't like "chick flicks" (I am not pointing at myself).

Another thing I like about this movie is how Tom was willing to ask a girl out even after his heart got destroyed. He realized that things do happen for a reason and was able to move on from his last relationship. It's true that I can relate to his emotions during his dating period but I love how this movie ends. It gives me hope. It teaches me that I need to take a chance, two chances, or however chances I need to take.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-

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Accepting

For a class, I had to read an article related to a topic that we were going to cover yesterday. The article I chose was "Acceptance of the unpleasant reality of chronic pain: effects upon attention to pain and engagement with daily activities." I actually enjoyed reading this and presenting it because I realized that this is true in a religious aspect. What this article talks about is that when chronic pain patients accept pain, accept that there is no cure, and stay optimistic, you are less likely to pay attention to pain and feel less pain. So how can we infer this to religion?

We believe in opposition in all things, right? If we believe that we have to experience sorrow to know happiness, why do we try so hard to push sorrow away from our lives? If we need to be tempted (but not necessarily give into temptations) to be strong, why do we try to shun temptations? It's contradicting. I am not saying that we should be sad or give into temptations; however, I am saying that we should make them a part of our lives. Let them stay where they are! Accepting the fact that you have temptations only make you strong because you are not giving into temptations but moving on with your life and choosing to be obedient.

We should also accept God's will instead of fighting against it. All I know of His will is that He wants me to be happy, to get married, and to raise my children uprightly before Him. So why should I be bothered by something I can't control? Why should I be bothered by how a girl might or might not feel about me? I can't change how she feels about me. I can't read her mind. All I can do is "do my best and leave the rest to [God]."

Related Posts

Signatures of God: Tender Mercies Revisited

Repentance, Forgiveness, Agency

Faith in God and in His Plans

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You Are Nothing But Good

When people think of any of Spider-Man movies, they think of this quote "With great power, comes great responsibility." Although it's one of the most famous quote, it doesn't seem to apply to me. However, today I was watching "The Amazing Spider-Man" and there was a part at the end where I cried. I cried because that's exactly how I felt. I related to him deeply.

The part was after Captain Stacy's funeral. Gwen came to talk to Peter but Peter told her that they can't see each other. After she left, Aunt May asks Peter if he was going to ask her out. Peter tells her no then Aunt May asks why not. He says, "I am not good enough for her." I feel like that all the time. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I keep hurting people. I keep disappointing people. Sometimes I don't even want to try to date because I feel like they would be better off without me.

However, what Aunt May told Peter was what gives me hope: "Peter, you are nothing but good."

People have told me over and over again that I am a good person, that I am good enough. I believe them...sometimes. I am not completely convinced many times.

As I was thinking about this, I thought about what matters the most. What matters the most is how God views me. Does my Father in Heaven think I am good enough? Am I good?

"My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom." -Doctrine and Covenants 136:31-

 To be worthy or to be "good," I must endure all things. All things prepare me to for the eternal life...God's life, perfection.

Faith, hope, charity and patience.

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The Worst Day

Don't freak out guys. I am all right.

I got rid of Facebook. I screamed. I punched a wall several times. I hit my legs. I pounded a table. I got a knife and tried to slice my wrist. I didn't go far at all because it hurt. Don't do it guys. It hurts as soon as the knife cuts through the skin and touches the flesh. Your nerve starts to scream pain.

This morning I woke up with no desire to get out of bed. No motivation to go to school. No motivation to go to work. I snoozed my alarm twice then the third time, I turned it off. As I was lying there, I had a thought that told me to get up. I was suddenly filled with energy. I got out of bed and knelt down next to it then prayed. I prayed for strength and a will to live.

Before I left my apartment this morning, I prayed to devote my life to God. I told Him that I would give Him my life and that I would serve Him.

I am here at work now. I had a marvelous day. I had fun. I learned a lot. Now, I get to serve others.

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Still Hoping for the Future

You know that I write in my journal pretty regularly. For the most part, I do it for my future generations. Not long ago, I have said good-bye to them because I decided that I wasn't going to date anymore and lock my heart. I was tired of dating.

However, I can't help but think that I am going to have children. I have "seen" them. I have seen them few times. It sounds weird, I know. However, I have seen two of my children in the temple. I have seen four in a dream: two boys and two girls. Today, I saw a daughter.

I was making banana bread while listening to classical music on Pandora. I decided that it is one of my favorite things to do now. For some reason, it is so fitting to bake and listen to classical music. Anyways, while I was thinking about how awesome this experience was, I thought I saw myself teaching a girl how to bake as we listened to classical music. I knew it was my daughter and this is something that I would like to do.

I still do have hope to have children. There are so many things to do for and with them. I can't wait to raise my children "uprightly before the Lord."

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A Decision

I have been too obsessed about dating recently: just worrying about it and thinking way too much about it. I think about the future too much. So I made a big decision today: my future spouse is not here in Utah.

I told you before (or not) that I feel like Binghamton, NY is where I should be after I graduate. I feel like that is the place where I will meet my wife. I am not saying that I am not going to go on dates but I really don't think anything will happen even if I went on dates here.

I might be saying this to myself so I wouldn't worry about dating but I think this is the right thing to think about at this time.

So that's my decision. This helps me not take dating seriously but just have fun. At the same time, I won't worry about dating or about getting married. It will help me be patient.

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Blessings: Small and Simple

There are two types of blessings: profound and minuscule. Many times we look for blessings that are so profound that they will knock our shoes off; however, not all the blessings are like that.

Recently, I decided to give up all the blessings I had been promised. I was so done. I gave up everything. However, something remarkable happened. I thought this was my second chance. I wanted to give all to make it work. The past four days have been so marvelous. However, it wasn't supposed to last forever. I learned much from my past experience what I needed to do. I was stubborn so I didn't want to do it but I knew it was the right thing to do. It hurt. I hurt a lot. However, S. told me that I should think about all the blessings I had received and that I should give up on all the blessings that I will receive.

So today, I went to LDS.org to read some scriptures and the video was one of the first things I noticed. President Monson stated, "I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness." and then invited us to "take an inventory of [our lives] and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, [we] have received." What a tender mercy of the Lord! He knows me. He knows what I need. He is always mindful of my existence.

The biggest blessing I have received is obviously the gospel of Jesus Christ. Without it, I would not be here. I don't mean here in Utah or in the US. I mean I would not be alive if it weren't for it. I would have lost all my hope and I would have taken my life long time ago, but I am here because I know that I am supposed to do something amazing with my life. I have faith and hope that things will work out. The Lord will take me wherever He wants me to go.

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin." -Matthew 6:28-

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Disorganized Thoughts

If you saw labels for this post, you can definitely tell that I have a lot to say. However, they all might be one-liners.

Let's start following the order of labels.

Dating
I had to re-evaluate my life and figure out few things out. I made some new commitments and learned something that I have never thought/realized before. One thing I can say here is that I need to find myself a best friend. I don't know if I mentioned this before (I feel like I have) but I don't have a best friend. I have great friends but I don't have anyone whom I can just go to (and who is always available to listen to me). I want someone whom I can talk to about everything and who wouldn't mind listening to me complaining. There are few other things I realized but I can't share them here.

Family
My brother is getting married on Dec. 15th. YAY! I am so happy for him and Lia! I can't wait to go to Macomb this December for the first time in almost 4 years.

General Conference
I am really excited for General Conference because I know I will be able to receive so many inspirations that I need at this time. I will have to take a test between Saturday morning and afternoon sessions but it will be great to hear the words of prophets, seers and revelaters.

Food

I made these for work and they were all right. I think they could have been better if I were better at baking cookies. Trial #2 will shortly happen.

Gospel

I am so humbled that the Lord is always very mindful of me and is willing to help me when I need Him. The Savior is my best friend whom I can always go to and talk about everything.

School

I know I skipped life but everything I am talking about is life. I found out that grad school applications are due in two months which means I need to start preparing to apply. I also have a test tomorrow that I have to take and two in-class tests next Thursday. CRAZY!

Oh, I also get to teach Writing Within Psychology class next Monday. I am so excited and nervous.

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