A Particle of Faith (Updated)

I would like to tell you a story about myself. My family and I moved to the US when I was 13. I didn’t speak English at all but we somehow managed to join the Church a few months after moving here.
When I got baptized, I didn't know much about the Church. I even hated going to church and three hours of church were torture. However, as I started to make friends, I loved going to church just so that I could hang out with friends.

In the Church, we focus on “studying” the scriptures. We talk about how we shouldn’t merely read the scriptures but dive into them and try to understand the gospel and God’s will for us. However, for a young boy who didn’t speak English, I could care less about that. Maybe, you would say that I lacked faith, and that’s OK.

I never voluntarily read the scriptures to know that the Church and the teachings of the Church were true; although, I never doubted that they were true. Maybe I was too young or naïve not to question things of the Church. Maybe it was a blessing and a gift from God.

When I was first motivated to read the scriptures, was during seminary. My seminary teacher gave his students a prize every year if we attended seminary, memorized all the scripture masteries, and read the entire book of that year. I, of course, being an overachiever (and Asian) did all those things.

However, I can't say that I really studied the scriptures during those years but I just read them to say that I read all of them. I only had enough faith to read the scriptures. Perhaps, it was the same with attending church and doing other church related things. I only had enough faith to merely go through the motions.

What came out of just going through the motions is amazing, though. My last year in high school, we were studying Doctrine and Covenants. I was once again just reading the scriptures when I came across these verses:

"And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!
"For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—
"That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God." (Doctrine and Covenants 76:22-24)

These verses hit me so hard! All the things I learned at church just connected like chains. I knew they were true. I knew that Joseph Smith was truly called of God and that the Book of Mormon was true. I was merely reading the scriptures but I still got a strong confirmation from the Holy Ghost.

Alma 32:27 states, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

Missionaries ask people they teach to do exactly this! Experiment! Exercise just a particle of faith! Some people have enough faith to read the entire chapter after the first appointment. Some only have enough faith to read a pamphlet. Some, enough to only pray. It doesn’t matter as long as they are exercising their faith.

One day you will find yourself not having enough faith to go on; to study the scriptures or pray like you once did. However, Alma invites us to exercise a particle of faith; even if that means that you only have enough faith to read one verse a day. So if you find yourself in that situation where you only have enough faith to read a verse or to say, “Father, I can’t do this,” do it. Whatever you can muster, whatever you can do at that moment, just do it. As I was blessed with an amazing experience for my small effort, you will also receive the same blessing of feeling God’s love for you. “Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea.” (Alma 32:29)

My faith was increased through that experience. I can’t say that I really studied the scriptures after that; however, my testimony has grown. This also doesn’t mean that I didn’t struggle from time to time. We all have trials. We have good days and bad days. What makes bad days bearable is when we exercise our faith and do what is right. I can’t think of a bad day when I felt worse by reading the scriptures or praying.

“Because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure.” (Alma 32:42)

Brothers and sisters, this fruit, explained by Elder Bednar, is the blessings of the Atonement of the Savior. As you hold on to the iron rod, the word of God, and continue forward, you will experience the blessings of the Atonement, even the eternal life.

Let us all press forward with whatever faith that we have. The road toward the fruit will bring you happiness and life eternal. If you only have enough faith to face the right direction, that’s a good start. Now, please hold on to the rod given to you and take a step forward toward the direction you are facing.

God loves you even when you don’t feel like He does. He loves you and always has and always will. Please, take the seed, plant it, and nourish it. He will bless you more than you realize or you can recognize. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

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Opposition: Good and Evil/Yin and Yang

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things... Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
"And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." (2 Nephi 2:11, 13)

I have written a few posts related to this topic of an opposition in all things; however, today I want to dedicate this post completely on this topic.

The Book of Mormon teaches that there is an opposition in all things as you can read from two verses above. Without the existence of one, there is no existence of the other. Simply put, if there is evil, there is no good. How would you state that something is good when there is nothing to compare?

Let's think about Adam and Eve: they were in their innocence not knowing good or evil. If Adam and Eve were never tempted, they would have stayed in that state and we would not have the opportunity to come to this earth. We need both good and evil and that is just the way life is.

On one of the posts under Related Posts, I have said this, "We believe in opposition in all things, right? If we believe that we have to experience sorrow to know happiness, why do we try so hard to push sorrow away from our lives?"

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, a professor of Psychology, at the University of Toronto talks about Yin and Yang in one of his YouTube videos. Yin and Yang, as you know, symbolize good and evil, chaos and order, etc. The importance of this symbol is that both white and black share the same space without one overcoming the other. Moreover, you see a white and black dot in each other's area.

What does this mean? Dr. Peterson, and I as well, believes that mental illness develops through too much of one of these two things. Yes, too much of good/order is bad. There has to be a balance between the two. Also, he states that chaos can turn into order and order turn into chaos as symbolized with the dots. The meaningful life can be found on the border of chaos and order.

What does this have to do with the gospel? EVERYTHING. In the LDS culture, it seems to me that many people seek order. That's a given. We want a happy life, we believe that the gospel brings us happiness, we want to be perfect, we don't want to make a mistake, we want to love others, etc. We NEVER want to make mistakes, to repent, to feel hatred toward others, to feel the influence of Satan, to feel like there is something lacking with our testimony, etc. I understand that you want to be good; however, perhaps you are getting yourself too much into order and it's turning into chaos.

What then can we do to balance the two? While you do your best to become a perfect, charitable person, recognize that you are a human being. You make mistakes, you can have ill feelings toward others, you can feel your testimony dwindle, etc. It's OK. Life isn't over. This is the time when you have to change/put your other foot in chaos and make some changes. (Yes, chaos doesn't necessarily mean evil.) You can change your routine of scripture study, change the way you pray, change what you pray for, change the way of thinking, etc. People need to change all the time to survive.

Lastly, I want to point out the life of the Savior. He was a perfect Being who obeyed all the commandments of the Father; however, was His life "perfect," without problems/sadness? No, and you know that. He was mocked by His own people, was betrayed by one of His best friends, saw His friend die, bled at every pore of His body, was crucified with nails into his hands and feet, and was forsaken by His Father and was left utterly alone. He became the Savior, the Christ, because He experienced all these things. If you want to be like Christ, don't run away from chaos, mistakes, or trials. Let them be a part of your life so that you can become a better, newer, ever changing person.

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The Amazing Power: Trials vs. Blessings

I have talked about this many times in the past but I decided to revisit this thought.

We have trials in our lives. That's something that we can't get away from and you will have a trial of some sort one way or another. Some trials would be very difficult to deal with; some would be easy to resolve. However, the consequences of these trials depend solely on you.

Elder Anderson said during a Conference talk, "...Fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God and to weaken your resolve to keep your promises to Him." If trials are "designed" to make us stronger, why do we feel weak and lose hope when we face trials?

I 100% believe that people have potential and power that they don't realize. I also believe that time is not linear, but holistic. This means that you have the power to change your past. Of course, that sounds absurd and impossible. Yes, it is impossible and absurd; however, you do that all the time!

For example, let's say that you missed a bus in the morning to go to work. That is terrible!! You are late to work because you missed that bus. However, you come to find out at work that there was an accident and the people on that bus were injured. You realize that you were so fortunate to have missed that bus.

Do you see what just happened? The person in that example just changed the past from a trial to a blessing. I believe that Joseph Smith would not view all the trials in his life as the worst experience ever, but as blessings, life lessons, and opportunities to grow.

That's the power that I am talking about. YOU have the power to change your past and turn it into something amazing, something beautiful!

“Your success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on your responses to the difficulties of life.” (True to the Faith)

I am not saying that it is SO easy to make a decision to turn your trials into a blessing. It is NEVER easy! I would never go up to a person who experienced something so awful such as sexual assault or abuse to get over themselves and turn that event into a blessing. NEVER! However, what I am trying to portray is that people have the power to turn something into an opportunity to grow, to seek God, and find joy in life. As the Lord said:

"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
"For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4)

God gives us trials so that we can grow. God has given me many trials that I needed in order for me to seek Him, trust Him, and learn of Him.

Lastly, I want to end this post with a quote by Elder Anderson:

“When faced with a trial of faith—whatever you do, you don’t step away from the Church! Distancing yourself from the kingdom of God during a trial of faith is like leaving the safety of a secure storm cellar just as the tornado comes into view.”

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Decions Determine Destiny

Dear readers,

I will probably be writing off and on from now on.

I am currently reading "To the Rescue," a biography of President Thomas S. Monson. One of the chapters is titled, "Decisions Determine Destiny." In the chapter, he says, "There are factors within you and within me even basic principles with which we have been imbued from our creation, which seem to call out and demand of us our best. Those particular years and those cravings and those bits of inspiration seem to be telling you and me, 'Seek the best in life. Look for opportunities where you can be of greatest service.'"

An excerpt from my journal:

"Every decision you make determines your destiny. You have control over your future!

"When I decided not to pursue a career in rad. tech. I made a decision that would forever change my life. I will probably never have to work on the weekends. I will be deeply rooted at Brigham Young University and get the education for free.

"Who knows? Maybe I will find something else or change my destiny through other decisions. I pray, though, that all the decisions will be inspired and would lead me to be of greatest service to those around me, especially my family."

The Currant Bush
Recently, I was reminded of this story of the Currant bush by Elder Hugh B. Brown. I am not going to summarize the story because you can watch or read it. However, the most important part and what I want to talk about is this: "I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be.”

The decisions we make shapes our destiny because it helps us become who we are supposed to be. I do not think that I would be a bad person for becoming a rad tech; however, it wouldn't provide me with opportunities that I now have with other opportunities that my current job will bring. It helps me become who God wants me to be.

Conclusion
Getting to where I am now, in the Dean of Students Office as an Executive Secretary, was a really frustrating, disappointing, and miserable experience. You can read all about it here...which shows that I didn't even write about how I changed my job...or they changed it for me. I got promoted! Yay!! From Campus Scheduling to the Dean of Students Office!

Anyways, I know that God's hand was in my life and he had guided me to make the correct choices that would help me become who He wants me to be.

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A Permanent Resident

On February 5, Alysha and I headed to Salt Lake City at 7 in the morning. We were both tired and worried but as we listened to K-Pop, we were able to calm down.

Alysha was worried for days that she would say wrong things and that I would be sent back to Korea. I wasn't worried until I had a bad dream that morning of a car losing both of its right tires. However, we knew we could trust the Lord.

I always thought that the Lord would not permit me to stay in the US for this long and then send me back to Korea now, especially now that I am married to a girl who wouldn't be able to survive a day without me. Who will cook for her? :)

As we waited, we looked at other couples who were there for an interview. We looked way more prepared than others and most definitely married than one couple who waited without even talking to each other.

Our names were called. We were brought into a small office. The interviewer told us to stay standing to swear by an oath to tell the truth. Of course, we would. I don't remember much of the interview; however, I remember him asking us how we met. I asked him if he were a Mormon (because I saw him wearing a name tag with a BYU lanyard) and he replied that I should just tell the story but added that he's been in Utah for a long time. I felt instantly better.

As we related our story to him, he asked few questions here and there. We also had a lot of evidence showing that we are actually married. I remember telling him how its hard to find a job with BS in Psychology and then he pointed at his diploma from Weber State University and said that he got his BS in Psychology.

In the end, he told us that he believes that we are married and that he would approve the application for permanent residency.

We did it! After more than 13 years, I have become a permanent resident (kind of) of the US. I can stay in the US with Alysha!

I know that the Lord does not grant every wish that we have because He has a plan for us; however, I also know that we can always trust Him that we will feel peace and comfort when we try to understand His will.

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand." (How Firm a Foundation, Hymns, no. 85)

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"Help Thou Mine Unbelief"

An excerpt from Thursday, March 6, 2014:

"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
"And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." -Mark 9:23-24-

I believe in the Father and His Son. I believe that They are guiding me each day. I believe that They will provide a way for me to accomplish Their will for me. I don't fully comprehend or fully believe how or why things don't work out. I have doubts at times. However, this father of the child with a "dumb spirit" asked the Lord to help him believe more than he does, trust Him more, and draw on the powers of heaven. He has given his weakness to the Lord to be strong. Then what did the Lord do? He blessed this father for his humility, faith and honesty.

When we do our best, give our best to the Lord, He does not turn us away but blesses us. However, we must acknowledge our limitations and ask Him to help us do more, become more, or believe more. He does not expect us to be perfect on our own; He expects us to be perfect through Him.

Elder Holland gave a talk based on that story. He invited us to hold onto what we know when trials and doubts come. Also, we need to acknowledge what we do not know and should ask for help. There are so many profound concepts and quotes, and I wish to write some:

"...imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it."

"Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe."

All things are possible when you believe, even the increase of your faith. When you focus on what you know during times of concerns and doubts, the Lord can bless you with a sure knowledge and will enlighten you because of your faith. What you didn't believe, what you didn't know will become clear and sure.

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Walking in Darkness

An excerpt from Friday, February 7, 2014:

"What is my future? What does the Lord have in mind for me? Am I to find your* mother this year? Am I to go to a graduate school this year? It feels like the future is very much like a black hole that I don't know where it goes to or what's inside. I am walking in complete darkness. I feel as though I an't see the end. I don't see the light. I am trapped. Trapped inside a black hole called future. There is no end. I take a step but nothing changes. The surroundings look exactly the same. I take another step. I feel something but everything still looks the same. Where am I? Where am I going? Is there an end to this? Will this end? Will I be able to see the light again?
"I keep moving because I don't know what else to do. I know I can't just sit still. I must escape from here. Am I going somewhere? I don't know. I am just walking, hoping that I will get somewhere. I know where I will be. I know what I will have. However, I am in darkness right now, just walking aimlessly hoping I will get there someday..."

*I write in my journal as if I am talking to my future children.

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The War Continues

Captain Moroni has always been one of my favorite Book of Mormon characters (other than Alma the Younger) because of his righteousness, boldness, and love for God and others.

We all know that everyone loves Alma chapter 5 because it helps us reflect on our own conversion and if we still feel that love of God that once we had felt and also the burning desire to share the gospel with others. However, Captain Moroni's epistle to Pahoran also makes us ponder whether we are too comfortable with where we are at. He said the following:

"Have ye forgotten the commandments of the Lord your God? Yea, have ye forgotten the captivity of our fathers? Have ye forgotten the many times we have been delivered out of the hands of our enemies?
"Or do ye suppose that the Lord will still deliver us, while we sit upon our thrones and do not make use of the means which the Lord has provided for us?
"Yea, will ye sit in idleness while ye are surrounded with thousands of those, yea, and tens of thousands, who do also sit in idleness, while there are thousands round about in the borders of the land who are falling by the sword, yea, wounded and bleeding?
"Do ye suppose that God will look upon you as guiltless while ye sit still and behold these things? Behold I say unto you, Nay. Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also."(Alma 60:20-23)

Have we forgotten how we have been delivered by the Lord? Have we forgotten how many times He has heard our prayers? Do we think that we can just turn to God whenever we get in trouble without giving Him thanks daily? Are we sitting comfortably at home or at church without "fighting" for the Lord and spreading the gospel to others? Or do you think that you can do nothing but sit comfortably to be saved?

The War in Heaven is still here. We have won the battle but the war is not over. We are constantly bombarded by the "Lamanites" who are continually striving to lead us astray and tempt us. Rise up and fight for your freedom and the ones you love. Your choice now changes not just your life, but also for your posterities.

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Time for an Update

1. Half Marathon
This will be the highlight of this new year: Utah Valley Marathon.

The receipt for the registration.

My name on a website to verify.

The half marathon course.

I still have a lot of time but I really need to train myself for it. It is a little tough during winter time to train but I am hoping to be more diligent once the weather gets warmer.

2. New Perspective on Eternal Life
I have been thinking about this for a while and I think I can finally put this on words. I have read that heaven is not earned but learned, which made me think about what it means to have Eternal Life. We learn in Doctrine and Covenants 19:6-12 that Eternal is a name of God the Father. This means that Eternal Life is really the way that God lives and having all that He has. If this life, or God's life, is learned instead of being given to us as a reward for being obedient on this earth. It means that we can have Eternal Life or live like He does on this earth through keeping the commandments and being obedient.
We talk about being converted all the time. We know that being converted means to become like Christ. Christ is like God the Father in every aspect with all the Christlike attributes. Then, we know that when we are converting, we are becoming like God. Logically, this means that when we are converting we are becoming like God and have this life eternal.
To become converted, we need to be obedient; we need to keep the commandments of God. When we are keeping these commandments, we do not simply act on what is required of us but let the Holy Ghost change us, change our nature, so that we can become like the Father or have Eternal Life. God did not give us the commandments so that He could reward us when we die; He gave us commandments so that we could learn of Him, we could learn heaven, we could become like Him, we could have Eternal Life on this earth.
Simply put, Eternal Life can be achieved on this earth when we change our nature through keeping the commandments of God.
This is why my overall resolution for this year is "becoming and living."

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Life Decisions and God's Will

Recently, I have noticed that many people have chosen paths that were way different than they have planned or wanted. C. have chosen to go back to school after having a pretty good career. H. felt that she should not serve a mission. S. is moving home instead of staying in Provo. D. moved to Provo out of whim and got jobs lined up for him.

It requires so much faith for them to recognize the promptings and act on them even though it would change their lives so much. I fully support everyone's decision because I believe that they have pondered about their choices for a very long time. I admire them for moving forward with faith and always relying on the Lord.

I need to have the same faith which will help me to rely on the Spirit more and always trust the Lord. I was reminded of this scripture:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8&9-

It reminds us how the Lord is in charge and we should trust Him and follow Him always. All the choices I have made and things that have been happening in my life are not necessarily what I have planned or thought would happen; however, I trust the Lord that He is guiding me at this point in my life and refining me continually so that I could become whom He wants me to be. Through all the experiences, I will be able to develop all the talents I am capable of having and draw out my full potential as a son of God, as a future god.

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"I Will Be Your Light"

I was reading 1 Nephi 17 when I came across verse 13 which says, "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led."

As I read it, I realized a theme of First Nephi which is "trusting the Lord." Even from the beginning of the book, Lehi's family left Jerusalem without any possessions except for certain necessities and entered wilderness without any plans. Nephi went back to Jerusalem to get the plates without a plan. The family wandered the wilderness without knowing where they were really going. Nephi started to build a ship that he has never done before. They sailed to the promised land without knowing where it was.

They knew what was required of them but they had no idea how to fulfill them. However, they exercised faith and trusted the Lord. They also didn't just wait for the Lord to give them whatever they needed but they did their part first. they moved forward then the Lord blessed them with guidance and tools they needed to fulfill anything that was required of them.

Our lives are the same as Lehi's family's journey in the wilderness; we don't know how to accomplish all the things that the Lord requires of us. He doesn't expect us to know how but He expects of us a willing heart to be obedient. When we are doing our best with faith that He will "prepare a way...that [we] may accomplish the thing which He commandeth [us]" (1 Nephi 3:7), we will be able to accomplish anything.

Going back to 1 Nephi 17:13, when we keep His commandments we can see His hands in our lives and know that He is with us. He is our Light that will cast out all darkness and make our path way bright.

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The Worth of Souls

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." -Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-

We forget that the worth of our souls is great when we make mistakes or trials come our ways. I remember thinking that I was not good enough to receive blessings from the Lord when things didn't work out the way I would like them to. It is one of the worst lie that Satan uses to convince us that we are not good enough for our Father in Heaven.

The worth of our souls is always great in the sight of God because the worth is the Only Begotten Son's life. Our Savior has suffered and died for our souls that we might break "the bands of death" and that we might return to our Heavenly Father through repentance and receiving forgiveness (Doctrine and Covenants 18:12). Because He loves us and because He cares for us, He was willing to make the greatest sacrifice of humankind by sacrificing the only person who was without sin, Jesus the Christ. The Son was also obedient to His Father and willingly gave up His life for His brothers and sisters. He was tempted, suffered, and was afflicted so that He could take upon Himself our pains, sicknesses, infirmities, and sins (Alma 7:11-13). What They ask of us is simple: be obedient. All we need to do is keep the covenants that we have made when we are baptized and at the temple.

To change the shift from ourselves to others, I want you to now apply to this principle to others. It is very true that the worth of souls is great because the price was Christ. However, I would like to believe that the worth is also great because we all benefit from having people around us. Let me explain clearly. Think of a friend of yours. Now, imagine that you have never met that person. What would have happened if you have never met that person? Would you have benefited the same way as you have been? Another example is missionary work. People say that if you didn't go on a mission, the person/people who would have received the gospel would have needed to either wait longer in this life or wait till the next life to receive it.

The point I want to make is that we need to work harder to bring everyone to Christ. Help them realize that they are important and are needed in all of our lives because they can help others come unto Christ even if they don't think they can. It's one of Satan's lies that you can't help others or no one will benefit from you. It's a lie that you are not worth as much as others. Everyone needs to know that they are worth every effort that we can put forth to bring them back to Christ and that they can help others do the same.

Our lives are intertwined and not having one person could lose some, if not a lot, meaning of our lives. I truly believe that our lives would be full when we have everyone participating in each other's life. If I weren't here, would you have read something like this? Would you have had time to think about the worth of your soul or of others'? Perhaps. However, because I am writing this you are reminded to appreciate your life and help others appreciate their lives also.

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Writing Songs... Being Open...

I love music. I love to sing. Growing up, I listened to lots of music because I was always drawn to music. When I got older, I started to sing songs that I made up. Because I am not a prodigy when it comes to music, I was never able to write what I sang down; however, I always enjoyed just making my own songs. Songs about my life. Songs about love. Songs about being sad. Songs about everything. I felt as if I could express myself completely.

Since I started playing guitar more often, I started to get familiar with chords I play and I was able to make up notes that go with those chords. Now, I can sing whatever I want as I play guitar.

I don't consider myself a good writer but I do it because I enjoy it. I feel like I can fully express myself, even things that I would never consider telling others. You see, I have a very hard time expressing myself to others because 1. I am afraid to be judged and 2. I don't know how to convey what I am feeling or thinking with words. It takes me a long time to think about what I am thinking and feeling before I make sense. It's better for me to write things down rather than blurt them out. Even when I was trying to tell a girl why I liked her, it didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel like I got everything out of my chest.

You know, I know some of my friends would read a lot of things I write but it doesn't bother me to write anything but it's so hard for me to say it. Perhaps, it's because I actually think about what I write before I write. I have written many things that I have never told anyone about on this blog such as depression and suicidal thoughts. It's very therapeutic for me to be open. 

So I want to tell you one thing about me that I've been wanting to tell the girl I told you about above. I don't know when I will ever have an opportunity to do it but I want to let it out. She told me before that she has struggled growing up because many kids have made fun of her; therefore, she had low self-esteem. I wanted to tell her that I always had (and still kind of do) low self-esteem. I never had a lot of friends. I had a few that I hung out with but never was a social butterfly. I never had a girl who was interested in me. Then I started wearing glasses when I was in the fifth grade. I was never made fun of for having glasses; however, it only brought my self-esteem down even more. I always thought that I was ugly. I have never ever gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day. I became more awkward around girls. I was never able to express how I really felt.

I guess that's all I want to say for now.

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Remembering

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel." -Mosiah 4:11-

When I get down and trials happen in my life, I focus on what's happening in my life right now rather than remembering what the Lord has done for me. When I read this scripture last night, I realized that I have been  forgetting to do the most important thing in the gospel: remembering.

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Untitled

It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.

Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.

Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?

Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?

I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.

However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.

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Kyoo's Life: Job Search and a Calling

It's been a long time since I have written. It is not because I have been busy. I have just been lazy.

I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.

During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.

On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."

I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!

I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.

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Never Be Comfortless - Revisited

Since I got plenty of time to not study and not do homework, I decided to finish reading The Infinite Atonement. The part where I left off months ago was exactly where I needed to start at this period of my life: the crucifixion.

Elder Tad R. Callister talked about how Satan gave his all at the last moment: mocking, tempting, and ridiculing Christ. At this point, the Father has already withdrawn His presence from Christ. Christ was utterly alone at this time. He was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. He could have given up but He did not. He kept going. He continued to fight. He overcame Satan.

Elder Callister asked why it was necessary for Christ to be left alone. I almost got to the full truth but I still lacked knowledge and understanding. It wasn't necessarily that God purposefully withdrew Himself but rather He could not be with Christ because of all the sins that He took upon Himself. As the Spirit cannot reside with those who sin, God could not be with Christ with all those sins. Hence, Christ experienced the spiritual death through sins, not of His own but of ours. Thus, He descended below us all and could succor us.

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Never Be Comfortless

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Never Be Comfortless

The Elders Quorum was the best today. I felt the Spirit so strongly and have  received great inspirations.

The Atonement of Christ did not end at the Garden of Gethsemane; that was only the beginning. Although He took upon Himself the sins, infirmities, and pains of the worlds (Alma 7:11-12), He was comforted when He bled at every pore by an angel sent by God. However, there was one more trial He had to go through: being completely alone. He was alone without the Spirit, without the presence of God when He was lifted on the cross. He cried out: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46) He was utterly alone. Never has God the Father taken away His presence from Christ nor left Him by Himself without any comfort. However, at this point on the cross when everyone around was mocking Him and tempting Him, He was completely alone.

Sometimes, we feel what Christ felt when He was on the cross: My God! Why hast Thou forsaken me! We want to cry out in pain and with anger. Why has this happened to me? Why me? Why? However, Christ suffered that ultimate loneliness so that He can comfort us. He promised us that He will let "leave us comfortless" (John 14:18) and He will never leave us alone. He knows what it feels like to be alone. He knows what it feels like to commit a sin that caused you to not have the Spirit with you. However, He has not left you alone. He is with you. He's not going to let you go through what He has gone through:

"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent." -Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-

You don't have to be comfortless. You don't have to be lonely. Christ has felt all that for you. Lean on Him. Trust Him.

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A Dream and Christ's Love
Being Alone?
Christ Is The Reason

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A Dream and Christ's Love

When it comes to dreams and interpretations of them, I have mixed feelings. My mom has dreams that show her if any of my relatives are sick or if we are going to have a bad day. She calls me time to time to caution me to be careful. However, I don't believe that all dreams are like this. I think dream interpretations are so personal that you can make a meaning out of them the way you want them to be. If you have seen therapists or are familiar with how they do it, they ask questions to influence their clients to relate some aspects of their dreams to people or situations around them, then clients make connections. Therefore, there could be multiple interpretations of a dream or none at all; however, I believe that it is up to that person to decide what it means.

Well, last night, I had a dream. In the dream, it was night and I was at some kind of a football stadium. I was going to leave then my mom came to pick me up. As she was driving, it was really really dark outside but the headlights weren't working properly. They were way dim! They didn't light up the road at all! I was so scared that she was going to hit cars around us or go off road so I literally took the wheel from her (it's a dream so I can do that). However, it obviously didn't make the situation any better. I decided to stop at a little run-down store to see if they had headlights. When we walked in, I could tell that this place would rip us off for sure but we really needed new headlights. When I asked the owner if he had any headlights, he told me that he had to order them and then mail them to us which would take few days. I was impatient and wanted new ones now but he proceeded to make an order for new headlights and gave me a price that was way more than they needed to be. I was so mad that I started to walk out but my mom was paying the owner with a $100 bill! I told her to stop but she didn't listen to me so I walked up to her and the owner and pull the bill out of one of their hands. Then I woke up.

I was so frustrated when I woke up because of the dream. It was 5:00 am. I had to get up in 30 minutes to go to work. I thought that it was going to be one of those days when I get frustrated with patrons at work. However, when I thought about the dream more, I got something different from it.

I may not know and see where I am going right now. I am graduating with nothing planned afterwards. All I know is that I need to stay in Provo. The path that I am on is so dark that it's impossible to see what's ahead of me. I need new "lights" to guide me and let me see what's in front of me.

What I didn't realize before is that Christ has always been "driving" my life but I took the "wheel" from Him. Now I can't go anywhere. Christ knew where to go and how to get to the destination but I didn't trust Him. I trusted myself more than Him. Although I was too stubborn to let Him take control of my life and wanted what I thought was the right thing, He was willing to pay the price, which is so great, for something I wanted. The price was His life. He gave His life so that I could get what I thought I needed. He didn't even scorn me for taking the wheel nor for wanting something that wasn't necessary to Him.

I was so impatient to get what I want. I need to be more patient with things that are happening in my life. I know that things will work out. I may not know where I am going but I have to realize that I am not by myself. I am with my Lord, my God who should be the one "driving," not me. I need to let Him drive but I know that he has paid the price for me to see clearly. It will just take some time before I can see clearly where I am going and why these trials happened and are happening.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,

That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,

That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!

Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?

No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,

Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me

Enough to die for me!

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

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Mending the Heart; Healing the Soul

Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep because I took a nap for an hour and half which only felt like I closed my eyes for an hour and half. Anyways, since I couldn't fall asleep, I decided to read a little from General Conference. I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk called "Four Titles" and few paragraphs stood out to me:

"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents...
"Remember that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is built not for men and women who are perfect or unaffected by mortal temptations, but rather it is built for people exactly like you and me."

And then I read the next subheading before deciding to try to sleep: Healer of Souls. That's where the title of this post came from and also I thought of Broken Things to Mend, a book by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

That was the preface of my post. I am already starting to get emotional as I think about what I am about to write. It's interesting how every time I try to share something that I have hidden or buried deep in my heart, I get really emotional.

Mending the Heart
Few months back (about six months ago), I decided to open myself up a little bit so I wrote this post and updated my Mormon.org profile. Ever since then, I made a new label for posts: Depression.

My heart has been broken many times, mostly by girls. There were few times in my life when I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard. I felt like I just couldn't go on.

There were two occasions when I was really depressed. The earlier occasion shouldn't have been too bad but it overwhelmed me. However, I had friends who supported me and gave me courage. I still remember being in bed, not being able to show myself to anyone. One of my roommates walked into my room and said, "Kyoo, can I give you a hug." I told him he could. He embraced me while I was under my blanket. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it any longer. I just cried. I thanked him and then he left the room. The next day, I felt so much better, and I am eternally grateful to that friend.

The later event was actually worse. Just worse. I know people out there who have gone way more than I have. I am not trying to compete or say that I've gone through what you have gone through but to me, that was the worst thing that has happened to me. I didn't want to live. Life was too hard. Life is too hard. However, I got through it.

How many time does my heart need to be broken? I don't know but I am sure it will happen many times in my life by girls, deaths, disappointments, etc. However, I decided that even if I feel like death at that time, even if I feel like giving up, I believe in Christ who made it possible for me to stand tall and keep moving forward.

Healing the Soul
I guess the fact that I never had high self-esteem could have caused the problem above but I also devalue the worth of my soul. I learned recently that the worth of soul is great because the worth is Christ. He paid for our souls. However, my soul has been sick, devalued by me.

I consider myself the worst person in the world. I blame myself for everything and sometimes dream that the world would be a better place without me. I feel that I cause harm in others. I would rather be "used" to help someone than not help someone. This is all due to the fact that I my worth comes from using up my resources to help others.

I used to think that if I could benefit someone in some way even though it would hurt me, I would do it because their value/worth is greater than mine. Why would you not think that when you believe that you have done so many terrible things in your life that God will only hide His face from you? How could you not believe that the worth of your soul is Christ when you are so wicked?

"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
"And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" -2 Nephi 4:26-27-

I felt like Nephi of old did except mine didn't end like this: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." -2 Nephi 4:28- I did the exact opposite. I put myself down and gave into the enemy of my soul and decided to remain in darkness.

It's not easy to forgive myself. My past always haunts me. However, I learned to accept my past, learn from it, and move on. I cannot serve others if I am engulfed with sorrow and let the "enemy of my soul" invade my soul. I also had to realize that everyone makes mistakes, not just me. Everyone struggles with trials, temptations, and sorrow. Knowing that I am not the only one gives me hope that I can move on and continue walking.

Learning from General Conference
This General Conference has helped me so much with these topic. For one, Elder Craig A. Cardon said:

"The Savior forgives sins “upon earth” and not just at the Final Judgment. He does not excuse us in our sins. He does not condone our return to past sins. But when we repent and obey His gospel, He forgives us."

Also, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf told a story of Jane:

"Given her dark past, Jane could easily have become vindictive, venomous, or violent. But she didn't. She resisted the temptation to spread the darkness, refusing to lash out in anger, hurt, or cynicism. Instead, she held fast to the hope that with God’s help she could be healed. She chose to radiate light and devote her life to helping others."

Long time ago, I decided that my life is service. I want to serve someone not because I feel that their souls worth more than mine but because this is what the Lord requires of me and because I love God. Christ has atoned for my sins, sorrows, afflictions, temptations, depression, and much more and all He and Heavenly Father require of me is service.


When I need my heart to be mended and my soul to be healed, I pray for God's mercy and Christ's grace to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It hurts to take a step after a step. Sometimes, the Telestial Kingdom seems very appealing, but if I give up now, I don't help anyone but will only bring sorrow to others. I would be so selfish to think that I wouldn't affect anyone. I chose life over death and Christ over Satan.

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