Possibility & Tender Mercy

An excerpt from Sunday, February 16, 2014:

"Isn't it interesting how we meet people? Out of [7 billion people], we meet certain people then become their friends. Also, in our life time, we meet them at a certain time period. We could have passed by each other so many times before, not noticing each other. However a certain event has brought us together to get to know each other, build a relationship with each other, to learn from each other, and to strengthen each other. That truly is a tender mercy of the Lord."

What is the possibility of meeting someone? There are 8765.81 hours in a year. There are about 7.144 billion people in the world. So it's about 1:62.6 trillion to meet someone in an hour.

You have friends. You have met them at some point in your life. You could have passed by them many times until that one moment that brought you two together. A coincidence? A tender mercy of the Lord? I would like to think that there was a hand of the Lord in meeting people in my life because I would not be who I am without meeting all these people.

Now getting into the gospel, think about how you could influence someone for good today. You will run into someone (someone you know or someone you don't know). It may not be 1:62.6 trillion chance to meet that person; however, the chance still would be slim. But you are there and so is that person. What are you going to do? What will you say?

"And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!
"And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!" (Doctrine and Covenants 18:15&16)

These verses mean different to you now thinking about the possibility of meeting that one soul and helping him/her come unto Christ. The Lord has put you and that person on the same path at that time to run into each other, to get to know each other, and to influence each other. It wasn't a coincidence that you met that person. Now, let's say that through this tender mercy, you were able to bring that person unto the Lord. How great will your joy be knowing that you have taken that crazy "chance" to say what you know to be true and then he/she felt the Holy Ghost that brought him/her (back) to Christ?

"To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for that which would be his finest hour." -Sir Winston Churchill-

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The Worth of Souls

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." -Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-

We forget that the worth of our souls is great when we make mistakes or trials come our ways. I remember thinking that I was not good enough to receive blessings from the Lord when things didn't work out the way I would like them to. It is one of the worst lie that Satan uses to convince us that we are not good enough for our Father in Heaven.

The worth of our souls is always great in the sight of God because the worth is the Only Begotten Son's life. Our Savior has suffered and died for our souls that we might break "the bands of death" and that we might return to our Heavenly Father through repentance and receiving forgiveness (Doctrine and Covenants 18:12). Because He loves us and because He cares for us, He was willing to make the greatest sacrifice of humankind by sacrificing the only person who was without sin, Jesus the Christ. The Son was also obedient to His Father and willingly gave up His life for His brothers and sisters. He was tempted, suffered, and was afflicted so that He could take upon Himself our pains, sicknesses, infirmities, and sins (Alma 7:11-13). What They ask of us is simple: be obedient. All we need to do is keep the covenants that we have made when we are baptized and at the temple.

To change the shift from ourselves to others, I want you to now apply to this principle to others. It is very true that the worth of souls is great because the price was Christ. However, I would like to believe that the worth is also great because we all benefit from having people around us. Let me explain clearly. Think of a friend of yours. Now, imagine that you have never met that person. What would have happened if you have never met that person? Would you have benefited the same way as you have been? Another example is missionary work. People say that if you didn't go on a mission, the person/people who would have received the gospel would have needed to either wait longer in this life or wait till the next life to receive it.

The point I want to make is that we need to work harder to bring everyone to Christ. Help them realize that they are important and are needed in all of our lives because they can help others come unto Christ even if they don't think they can. It's one of Satan's lies that you can't help others or no one will benefit from you. It's a lie that you are not worth as much as others. Everyone needs to know that they are worth every effort that we can put forth to bring them back to Christ and that they can help others do the same.

Our lives are intertwined and not having one person could lose some, if not a lot, meaning of our lives. I truly believe that our lives would be full when we have everyone participating in each other's life. If I weren't here, would you have read something like this? Would you have had time to think about the worth of your soul or of others'? Perhaps. However, because I am writing this you are reminded to appreciate your life and help others appreciate their lives also.

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Home

What is home? Home is where you have your family and people you love. Home is where you feel security, comfort, joy, peace, love, and belonging-ness. Home is a place of refuge and shelter.

Where is your home? Where do you call it home? Where is my home?

I do not have a physical home that I could call anymore. My parents live in Sacramento but I do not feel that Sacramento is my home. I usually tell people that I am from Macomb, Illinois because I loved the people there and got baptized; however, I have not lived there for a long time. I was born in South Korea but the only ties I have with Korea are my relatives; other than that, I got nothing.

So where is my home? Is a home a place? Do I not have a place that I can call "home" then?

What if a home is not a physical place but in someone's heart? What if you can call it "home" when someone makes you feel secure, comfortable, happy, peaceful, loved, and belong? Does anyone make me feel all those things? Who is this person? My best friend.

My best friend should be able to make me feel this way. Who is my best friend? I talked about this before but I do not believe that I have "best" friends except one. Christ. He is the only One who has constantly been with me. He's the only person who would not disappoint me and would always keep His promises. He makes me feel secure, comfortable, happy, peaceful, loved, and belong. He is my home.

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Journal Excerpts #1

It's been a while since I have blogged so what I am going to do is I am going to copy what I have been writing in my journal because there were a lot of things I would have posted here but I've just been lazy. A lot of thoughts will seem disorganized but if I am listening to talks or something like that, my ideas just jump from one to the next.

Sunday, June 23, 2013
"Something I've been thinking about is how when people think about their families, most would imagine every member of their family. But what if I told them to imagine one member, a father for example, gone from the picture? That's my family. I don't know how everything will work out in the end; however, I do not want anyone to have that. I want everyone to have the desire to share the gospel and bring others to Christ so that there would be no "empty seats." All the seats will be full and so will their joy.
"Sometimes we are not open to share the gospel with others when they come looking for the truth. Are we ready to share? Are we ready to bless the lives of others?
"Be not afraid but let charity fill your heart and invite others to come unto Christ. Think about what they desire, what they need, and what their concerns are. Listen, listen to them and listen to the Spirit. Speak, speak what they seek and what the Spirit tell you to speak.
"My new motto is, 'I will go where you want me to go. I will say what you want me to say. I will be what you want me to be.'
"What everyone needs is the feeling that they are needed. They want to be a part of something. There are people who are ready and when we read out to them. They will know that God's watching over them and will come back to His fold.
"Kyoo, do you remember when you were young, recently baptized, how everyone in the ward was welcoming and how they supported you? Without them, you would not be here. They welcomed you and made you a part of the family. You can do the same for others. You can help others be a part of this great family. Just remember what you have gone through.
"All the callings I had...did they not build on top of each other until I got this calling as a ward mission leader? Because I cared about those who passed on and temple work, I am not able to serve people to come unto Christ so that they could have eternal families. I had to learn and grow until now, and I will continue to learn.
"It's not just inviting people which we must do but have faith that they will return to the activity. Believe in God's power and in them. They all have accepted the gospel before. All they need is a reminder."

Tuesday, June 25, 2013
"Conversion is not either 'you are converted' or 'you are not converted' but a degree or a process. You could be converted enough to come to church every Sunday but you might not be converted enough to pay tithing. However, once you are converted (in one aspect), you are asked to 'strengthen your brethren.'
"Second of all, you have to remember that the gospel is all about others. The two greatest commandments are: love God and love your neighbor. All the other commandments or responsibilities are founded upon those two. You should always remember that it is about helping and serving others."

Thursday, June 27, 2013
"Christ had to learn and grow in the gospel and receive knowledge as we do. I may falter and do not know everything but as Christ did, I can continue to grow and become stronger. I just need to figure out how I can do it and always do my best.
"Wisdom is not only applying what you learn but also being able to see the consequences of your choices and applications thereof. Someone who is wise makes choices understanding what kind of consequences would come about when you make a choice. For example, King Solomon knew how great the love that mothers have for their children so he commanded that a baby to be cut in half to satisfy two women arguing over the baby. He knew that a real mother would want the other woman to take the baby rather than see the baby die. This is true wisdom.
"A new goal: stop thinking about myself but think about what others need. I should write down everyone's name that I have stewardship over then pray for them individually to know their needs, desires, and struggles. Once I start thinking about them, I will receive more revelations on how to help them.
"'Faith stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies.' (From The Lord is My Light) This teaches that when we have faith, we look beyond what we see physically. We hope for a better world. We would see what God would see."

That's all I am going to post at this time.

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June 21: a Party Day

Nutella muddy buddy, Oreo "treats," and Seven Layer dip

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Writing Songs... Being Open...

I love music. I love to sing. Growing up, I listened to lots of music because I was always drawn to music. When I got older, I started to sing songs that I made up. Because I am not a prodigy when it comes to music, I was never able to write what I sang down; however, I always enjoyed just making my own songs. Songs about my life. Songs about love. Songs about being sad. Songs about everything. I felt as if I could express myself completely.

Since I started playing guitar more often, I started to get familiar with chords I play and I was able to make up notes that go with those chords. Now, I can sing whatever I want as I play guitar.

I don't consider myself a good writer but I do it because I enjoy it. I feel like I can fully express myself, even things that I would never consider telling others. You see, I have a very hard time expressing myself to others because 1. I am afraid to be judged and 2. I don't know how to convey what I am feeling or thinking with words. It takes me a long time to think about what I am thinking and feeling before I make sense. It's better for me to write things down rather than blurt them out. Even when I was trying to tell a girl why I liked her, it didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel like I got everything out of my chest.

You know, I know some of my friends would read a lot of things I write but it doesn't bother me to write anything but it's so hard for me to say it. Perhaps, it's because I actually think about what I write before I write. I have written many things that I have never told anyone about on this blog such as depression and suicidal thoughts. It's very therapeutic for me to be open. 

So I want to tell you one thing about me that I've been wanting to tell the girl I told you about above. I don't know when I will ever have an opportunity to do it but I want to let it out. She told me before that she has struggled growing up because many kids have made fun of her; therefore, she had low self-esteem. I wanted to tell her that I always had (and still kind of do) low self-esteem. I never had a lot of friends. I had a few that I hung out with but never was a social butterfly. I never had a girl who was interested in me. Then I started wearing glasses when I was in the fifth grade. I was never made fun of for having glasses; however, it only brought my self-esteem down even more. I always thought that I was ugly. I have never ever gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day. I became more awkward around girls. I was never able to express how I really felt.

I guess that's all I want to say for now.

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Disappointing Myself

Sometimes what kills me the most is not what people do to me but what I do to others. When people disappoint me or offend me, it kills me. However, when I think about what I do to disappoint others or offend them, it kills me even more.

There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.

When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?

I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.

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Untitled

It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.

Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.

Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?

Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?

I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.

However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.

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Kyoo's Life: Job Search and a Calling

It's been a long time since I have written. It is not because I have been busy. I have just been lazy.

I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.

During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.

On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."

I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!

I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.

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Uncertainty

Uncertainty. It's something that is not pleasing at all. Why? Because you do not know. Not knowing gives you fear. Fear overtakes faith.

Right now, my life is full of uncertainties. I don't know what's going to happen after I graduate in 7 weeks or so. I don't know what I am doing with my personal life.

I guess it doesn't make me depressed but it worries me. Meta-worry (worrying about worrying) kills me also. I am worried that I am worrying about all these uncertainties.

These uncertainties might come from me more than anyone else. I am not confident with myself. I feel like I am not good enough. I don't have high self-esteem or self-confident. Sometimes I feel like it's easier for me to give up on everything because I feel like there is no point in trying when I know (I think I know) that nothing is going to work out. That's why before, I wanted to just drop everything and move to Africa where there are less expectations.

I don't have a solution. I have no clue what is expected of me from God. If I have uncertainties and if I start to get worried about these uncertainties, I am lacking faith for sure. I am not going to lie that I know I am lacking faith right now. I want to be strong. I want to exercise my faith but I don't know what to do. I don't know anything. All I know is that God knows me and loves me. I know that the Savior died for me. I know the truthfulness of the gospel but I don't know or am not sure about anything else.

What am I to do?

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Remembering Blessings

There has been something I've been thinking about.

When I was baptized, there were so many people who helped my family out and fellowshipped us. They were always there when we needed help and continued to be our friends even until now. I made tons of friends because everyone talked to me and were kind to me.

Even though such experiences helped to become who I am today, I became too comfortable in the Church that I forget to extend this fellowship to others. I feel so guilty of accepting this blessing but not sharing it with others.

There are always people who need fellowship in the Church or just need friends. Why would I not talk to them? Because I lack courage. Because I fear. I do not fear what others might think of me if I talked to them. Then what am I afraid of? I don't know. However, whatever it may be, I need to overcome it with charity, the pure love of Christ. If I truly loved God's children, I would always try to lift them up.

"Because I have been given much I too must give..."

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Relationships

This is a very under-developed thought.

This semester, I am taking few interesting classes like Intro to Sociology and Marriage Prep classes. The reason why I think they are interesting is that I have been thinking a lot about relationships that we have not only with people but with objects.

I have talked a lot about holistic monism (everything is one). That is all about relationships also because you only exist in a relation to something else. You know something because of something else that is not (dialectic reasoning). For example, you know that there is a table/desk somewhere around you because of the space that it does not occupy. Another example, you know that I am a guy because you know that I am not a girl (or because existence of females make me a non-female; therefore, I am a male).

Now, we live our lives through these relationships that we have. If you were all by yourself (all alone and let's say, for the argument's sake, that there is no such thing as God), then what are you? You are nothing. You would say that you could exist because you can still think. Well, that means that you have a relationship with your thoughts. You exist through your relationship with your thoughts. If we were to get rid of any senses, do you exist? You can't touch, smell, hear, see, or taste anything. All you have is thoughts. Do you exist? Or do you not exist? If my assumption that you have a relationship with your thoughts are true and we were to get rid of the ability to think, do we exist at all?

Holy brain explosion!

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that we need relationships. We exist through relationships. I have read that people who commit suicide lack the feeling of belongingness. It makes sense to me because people want to be validated and want to exist somewhere. When they feel like they are alone and feel like they do not exist, what's the point of existing without people validating their existence?

If you are wondering about when I said "relationships with objects," what I meant is that we have relationships with objects also. Let say your shoes for example, when you buy a new pair of shoes, you might take care of them better than when they are old and torn. Also, you wouldn't just put your shoes in fire or somewhere they would get dirty because you have "feelings" for them. Obviously, it's a different relationship than people who can reciprocate those feelings but you still do have relationship with them. If you treat them poorly, they would not last long.

I am done talking.

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New Year's Resolutions

I never make New Year's Resolution because I am not a huge goal setting person. I do have super long-term (5+ years) goals and very short-term (<1 between.="between." but="but" goals="goals" in="in" month="month" not="not" p="p" usually="usually">
Also, I think that most resolutions that people set should be life-time goals anyways. It's just to make themselves feel good to "start over" when they should be continually progressing.

If you have goals that you can just do to check it off the list, then I think that's good to do such as going skydiving or bungee jumping.

There are few things, however, I thought about start working on: being happy all the time and being humble.

Being happy all the time goes along with my philosophy that there is no such thing as a bad event. You make a meaning out of events that happen around you. You can choose to be happy or be sad. I am going to choose to be happy all the time. I want to be more Christlike.

Recently, I got frustrated but I realized that I was just being prideful. If I were humble and thought about others, I wouldn't have gotten frustrated at all. I was thinking about how I was feeling and expected things from others when I wasn't willing to do what I expected of others. However, I want to change that and want to be more humble. I want to continue to serve others without expecting anything. I want to be more Christlike.

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How I Met Your Mother

This is not depressing at all. This is not necessarily about dating, friends, family, gospel, philosophy, life, or mission. This post has little bits of each.

I have been watching a show called "How I Met Your Mother." It's not super hilarious nor always appropriate. However, the reason why I like the show is the thought provoking quotes and how much I can relate to Ted Mosby, the main character. In the show, Ted is telling his kids how he met his wife. The past Ted is always looking for "the one." However, the future Ted always reminds his kids that all the stories/events that he tell them somehow lead up to how he met his wife.

(I will come back to the show in a little bit) Yesterday, I went to Panda Express and got a fortune which said, "A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune." It was very fitting because I had made a decision about something and felt like that is the way it's supposed to be. OK, it's about asking someone on a date but I decided not to (and I am glad I decided not to).

The fortune I got was like the show "How I Met Your Mother" because the whole show is about how different events that Ted goes through somehow lead to meeting his wife. I believe that this is true for me and for others as well. We are constantly choosing, changing, and going through life with different events. Whatever decision we make prepares us for the moment when we meet our spouse or even anyone in our lives whom we will impact one way or another.

All the experiences I had, whether be good or bad, lead me to that moment when I will meet my future wife. The moment that I am waiting for. When that time comes, I will be prepared to meet her, talk to her, and get to know her. (Does that mean I believe that there is "the one"?) Or I will be prepared to choose who that person will be as I meet many girls, talk to them, and get to know them then we will start to trust each other, respect each other, and honor each other. Eventually, we will develop love for each other.

In other posts, I wrote about how we need to prepare to serve others. You can't go back in time to change things but you can always change the past right now. If you made a mistake in the past, choose to become a better person through your mistakes. You don't need to go back in time to correct your mistakes but choose now to do what is right. Don't make the same mistake again. Always choose looking forward in the future. Prepare now. Prepare for the first moment when you will meet your spouse. Prepare to serve others when God calls you to serve.

"Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?
"Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—
"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.
"Hence many are called, but few are chosen." -Doctrine and Covenants 121:34-35, 37, & 40-

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Realizations

Realization #1
In my psychology class, my non-LDS professor talked about whether God matters (in psychology, of course). He said that professors here at BYU who are devout Mormons do not pray before they start their research. Then I started to think about my life. Do I involve God in everything I do? I do not. Do I believe that God matters in my life? I do.
So this is what I should do. I should involve God in everything I do: taking tests, doing my homework, going to work, going to classes, asking a girl out on a date, etc.

Realization #2

In one of my classes today, a professor showed this video. As I was watching it, I couldn't help write down some of the thoughts/inspirations I received. It is true that no one knows how long you are going to live. You might have a disease that you don't know about like Powers's mother. Maybe, you will get in an accident tomorrow.

What I realized is that I have to seize the day (carpe diem); however, it's more than a day that I need to seize. I need to seize my life. Seize the life!

There are things you can control and things you can't control. I can't change the direction that clouds move. I can't control a lot of things. However, what I can control is what I should do. I should act instead of reacting or being acted upon. I am an agent of my life.

So I am going to ask a girl out on a date.

Realization #3

There are so many things that a girl can benefit from going on a date. I am not saying that in a boastful or prideful way. I think we all can benefit from each other. It could be from learning what each other is interested in to learning to be more patient. I don't care how I benefit this girl I want to ask out. I know that she will benefit and that's all I want her to get out of. If she's not willing to go on a date with me, she won't benefit from whatever I have to offer. I don't know what I have to offer but I know that there are things I can  offer.

The same goes for all of you. We all have a lot to offer to each other. That's why relationships (e.g., friendship, parent-child relationship, romantic relationship) are so important in our lives. We can't survive without having a relationship with someone.

Learn from others. Teach others. Live in a world where relationship matters. Where God matters.

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Heaven Is...

I had many friends who encouraged me and let me know that they care about me. I realized that I can't let them down.

It is true that I felt like there was nothing that motivated me to go on; however, if the Celestial Kingdom is filled with families and friends who care about me, I think it's worth it.

Heaven is filled with people whom you love and care. Heaven is filled with people who love you and care about you.

That's all I need.

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