A Particle of Faith (Updated)

I would like to tell you a story about myself. My family and I moved to the US when I was 13. I didn’t speak English at all but we somehow managed to join the Church a few months after moving here.
When I got baptized, I didn't know much about the Church. I even hated going to church and three hours of church were torture. However, as I started to make friends, I loved going to church just so that I could hang out with friends.

In the Church, we focus on “studying” the scriptures. We talk about how we shouldn’t merely read the scriptures but dive into them and try to understand the gospel and God’s will for us. However, for a young boy who didn’t speak English, I could care less about that. Maybe, you would say that I lacked faith, and that’s OK.

I never voluntarily read the scriptures to know that the Church and the teachings of the Church were true; although, I never doubted that they were true. Maybe I was too young or naïve not to question things of the Church. Maybe it was a blessing and a gift from God.

When I was first motivated to read the scriptures, was during seminary. My seminary teacher gave his students a prize every year if we attended seminary, memorized all the scripture masteries, and read the entire book of that year. I, of course, being an overachiever (and Asian) did all those things.

However, I can't say that I really studied the scriptures during those years but I just read them to say that I read all of them. I only had enough faith to read the scriptures. Perhaps, it was the same with attending church and doing other church related things. I only had enough faith to merely go through the motions.

What came out of just going through the motions is amazing, though. My last year in high school, we were studying Doctrine and Covenants. I was once again just reading the scriptures when I came across these verses:

"And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!
"For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—
"That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God." (Doctrine and Covenants 76:22-24)

These verses hit me so hard! All the things I learned at church just connected like chains. I knew they were true. I knew that Joseph Smith was truly called of God and that the Book of Mormon was true. I was merely reading the scriptures but I still got a strong confirmation from the Holy Ghost.

Alma 32:27 states, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

Missionaries ask people they teach to do exactly this! Experiment! Exercise just a particle of faith! Some people have enough faith to read the entire chapter after the first appointment. Some only have enough faith to read a pamphlet. Some, enough to only pray. It doesn’t matter as long as they are exercising their faith.

One day you will find yourself not having enough faith to go on; to study the scriptures or pray like you once did. However, Alma invites us to exercise a particle of faith; even if that means that you only have enough faith to read one verse a day. So if you find yourself in that situation where you only have enough faith to read a verse or to say, “Father, I can’t do this,” do it. Whatever you can muster, whatever you can do at that moment, just do it. As I was blessed with an amazing experience for my small effort, you will also receive the same blessing of feeling God’s love for you. “Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea.” (Alma 32:29)

My faith was increased through that experience. I can’t say that I really studied the scriptures after that; however, my testimony has grown. This also doesn’t mean that I didn’t struggle from time to time. We all have trials. We have good days and bad days. What makes bad days bearable is when we exercise our faith and do what is right. I can’t think of a bad day when I felt worse by reading the scriptures or praying.

“Because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure.” (Alma 32:42)

Brothers and sisters, this fruit, explained by Elder Bednar, is the blessings of the Atonement of the Savior. As you hold on to the iron rod, the word of God, and continue forward, you will experience the blessings of the Atonement, even the eternal life.

Let us all press forward with whatever faith that we have. The road toward the fruit will bring you happiness and life eternal. If you only have enough faith to face the right direction, that’s a good start. Now, please hold on to the rod given to you and take a step forward toward the direction you are facing.

God loves you even when you don’t feel like He does. He loves you and always has and always will. Please, take the seed, plant it, and nourish it. He will bless you more than you realize or you can recognize. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

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Opposition: Good and Evil/Yin and Yang

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things... Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
"And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." (2 Nephi 2:11, 13)

I have written a few posts related to this topic of an opposition in all things; however, today I want to dedicate this post completely on this topic.

The Book of Mormon teaches that there is an opposition in all things as you can read from two verses above. Without the existence of one, there is no existence of the other. Simply put, if there is evil, there is no good. How would you state that something is good when there is nothing to compare?

Let's think about Adam and Eve: they were in their innocence not knowing good or evil. If Adam and Eve were never tempted, they would have stayed in that state and we would not have the opportunity to come to this earth. We need both good and evil and that is just the way life is.

On one of the posts under Related Posts, I have said this, "We believe in opposition in all things, right? If we believe that we have to experience sorrow to know happiness, why do we try so hard to push sorrow away from our lives?"

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, a professor of Psychology, at the University of Toronto talks about Yin and Yang in one of his YouTube videos. Yin and Yang, as you know, symbolize good and evil, chaos and order, etc. The importance of this symbol is that both white and black share the same space without one overcoming the other. Moreover, you see a white and black dot in each other's area.

What does this mean? Dr. Peterson, and I as well, believes that mental illness develops through too much of one of these two things. Yes, too much of good/order is bad. There has to be a balance between the two. Also, he states that chaos can turn into order and order turn into chaos as symbolized with the dots. The meaningful life can be found on the border of chaos and order.

What does this have to do with the gospel? EVERYTHING. In the LDS culture, it seems to me that many people seek order. That's a given. We want a happy life, we believe that the gospel brings us happiness, we want to be perfect, we don't want to make a mistake, we want to love others, etc. We NEVER want to make mistakes, to repent, to feel hatred toward others, to feel the influence of Satan, to feel like there is something lacking with our testimony, etc. I understand that you want to be good; however, perhaps you are getting yourself too much into order and it's turning into chaos.

What then can we do to balance the two? While you do your best to become a perfect, charitable person, recognize that you are a human being. You make mistakes, you can have ill feelings toward others, you can feel your testimony dwindle, etc. It's OK. Life isn't over. This is the time when you have to change/put your other foot in chaos and make some changes. (Yes, chaos doesn't necessarily mean evil.) You can change your routine of scripture study, change the way you pray, change what you pray for, change the way of thinking, etc. People need to change all the time to survive.

Lastly, I want to point out the life of the Savior. He was a perfect Being who obeyed all the commandments of the Father; however, was His life "perfect," without problems/sadness? No, and you know that. He was mocked by His own people, was betrayed by one of His best friends, saw His friend die, bled at every pore of His body, was crucified with nails into his hands and feet, and was forsaken by His Father and was left utterly alone. He became the Savior, the Christ, because He experienced all these things. If you want to be like Christ, don't run away from chaos, mistakes, or trials. Let them be a part of your life so that you can become a better, newer, ever changing person.

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Birth and Atonement

Today, I was reading 1 John 5 and I came across these verses:

"For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world:and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.
"Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?
"This is he that came by water and blood, even Jesus Christ; not by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit that beareth witness, because the Spirit is truth." (1 John 5:4-5)

This may seem not much to you but I thought it was interesting that they made a point that Christ had to be born just like all of us. This may sound a little graphic but baby Jesus was born by "water and blood." He was a mortal who overcame the world, trials, evil, and even death. Once He had suffered all these things and was resurrected, He became perfect.

We, too, were born by "water and blood." We, too, have the potential to become perfect: full of glory and having all the attributes that God and Jesus Christ possess. However, we, unlike Christ, cannot overcome the challenges, trials, and death (alone).

Garden of Gethsemane by Simon Dewey

I don't know if you noticed the title of this post but you might wonder what do water and blood have to do with the Atonement? Everything. Christ who suffered in the Gethsemane sweated "great drops of blood." Through His sacrifice or should I say through His blood, it is possible for us to repent, change our nature, and become like God and Jesus Christ.

During the process of repenting, we make a covenant with the Lord through baptism (by water) and then through the Atonement (by blood), we are able to offer up our natural man and become a saint.

When we were born, we were pure and innocent but the whirlwind comes and beats us down and we slowly become tainted by the world. However, through Christ, we are born again and become pure once again. This time, the whirlwind and the world cannot bring us down because through His blood, we can be made white whenever we desire.

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The Worth of Your Soul

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
"For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.
"And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance.
"And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!" -Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-13-

When people read this scripture, they think about how they could bring others to Christ and how they would receive so much joy. However, there is one thing that people forget or do not realize: "the worth of souls" means everyone's worth, not just "others'." It means you! You are a part of that everyone. Your worth is great in the sight of God! Your worth, as well as others', is Christ. He has saved us with His life. He has redeemed us with His life. He has suffered it all so that we can reach our full potential.

What is your worth? What is your potential? How are you reaching your potential? Remember your worth! Remember your potential! You are to be a god(dess)! Listen to Elder Neil L. Andersen's warning: "In our weakened moments, the adversary seeks to steal our spiritual promises. If we are not watchful, our injured, child like spirit will retreat back into the cold, dark crust of our former bloated ego, leaving behind the warm, healing light of the Savior." Don't fall for Satan's lies. You know who you are: a child of GOD!

However, don't think that it is easy to achieve your potential. President James E. Faust has said:

"Your strength and identity will come from honoring your priesthood, developing your talents, and serving the Lord. Each of you will have to work very hard to qualify for your eternal potential... It will require all of your strength, stamina, intelligence, and courage." (General Conference, Oct. 1995)

You have to work hard but it will be so worth it.

How are you "qualifying" for your eternal potential?

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Time for an Update

1. Half Marathon
This will be the highlight of this new year: Utah Valley Marathon.

The receipt for the registration.

My name on a website to verify.

The half marathon course.

I still have a lot of time but I really need to train myself for it. It is a little tough during winter time to train but I am hoping to be more diligent once the weather gets warmer.

2. New Perspective on Eternal Life
I have been thinking about this for a while and I think I can finally put this on words. I have read that heaven is not earned but learned, which made me think about what it means to have Eternal Life. We learn in Doctrine and Covenants 19:6-12 that Eternal is a name of God the Father. This means that Eternal Life is really the way that God lives and having all that He has. If this life, or God's life, is learned instead of being given to us as a reward for being obedient on this earth. It means that we can have Eternal Life or live like He does on this earth through keeping the commandments and being obedient.
We talk about being converted all the time. We know that being converted means to become like Christ. Christ is like God the Father in every aspect with all the Christlike attributes. Then, we know that when we are converting, we are becoming like God. Logically, this means that when we are converting we are becoming like God and have this life eternal.
To become converted, we need to be obedient; we need to keep the commandments of God. When we are keeping these commandments, we do not simply act on what is required of us but let the Holy Ghost change us, change our nature, so that we can become like the Father or have Eternal Life. God did not give us the commandments so that He could reward us when we die; He gave us commandments so that we could learn of Him, we could learn heaven, we could become like Him, we could have Eternal Life on this earth.
Simply put, Eternal Life can be achieved on this earth when we change our nature through keeping the commandments of God.
This is why my overall resolution for this year is "becoming and living."

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The Worth of Souls

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." -Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-

We forget that the worth of our souls is great when we make mistakes or trials come our ways. I remember thinking that I was not good enough to receive blessings from the Lord when things didn't work out the way I would like them to. It is one of the worst lie that Satan uses to convince us that we are not good enough for our Father in Heaven.

The worth of our souls is always great in the sight of God because the worth is the Only Begotten Son's life. Our Savior has suffered and died for our souls that we might break "the bands of death" and that we might return to our Heavenly Father through repentance and receiving forgiveness (Doctrine and Covenants 18:12). Because He loves us and because He cares for us, He was willing to make the greatest sacrifice of humankind by sacrificing the only person who was without sin, Jesus the Christ. The Son was also obedient to His Father and willingly gave up His life for His brothers and sisters. He was tempted, suffered, and was afflicted so that He could take upon Himself our pains, sicknesses, infirmities, and sins (Alma 7:11-13). What They ask of us is simple: be obedient. All we need to do is keep the covenants that we have made when we are baptized and at the temple.

To change the shift from ourselves to others, I want you to now apply to this principle to others. It is very true that the worth of souls is great because the price was Christ. However, I would like to believe that the worth is also great because we all benefit from having people around us. Let me explain clearly. Think of a friend of yours. Now, imagine that you have never met that person. What would have happened if you have never met that person? Would you have benefited the same way as you have been? Another example is missionary work. People say that if you didn't go on a mission, the person/people who would have received the gospel would have needed to either wait longer in this life or wait till the next life to receive it.

The point I want to make is that we need to work harder to bring everyone to Christ. Help them realize that they are important and are needed in all of our lives because they can help others come unto Christ even if they don't think they can. It's one of Satan's lies that you can't help others or no one will benefit from you. It's a lie that you are not worth as much as others. Everyone needs to know that they are worth every effort that we can put forth to bring them back to Christ and that they can help others do the same.

Our lives are intertwined and not having one person could lose some, if not a lot, meaning of our lives. I truly believe that our lives would be full when we have everyone participating in each other's life. If I weren't here, would you have read something like this? Would you have had time to think about the worth of your soul or of others'? Perhaps. However, because I am writing this you are reminded to appreciate your life and help others appreciate their lives also.

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Mental Illness and Agency

I work at the Utah State Hospital or a mental hospital if you didn't know.

As I was watching some patients, I had a question: would mentally ill people need baptism?

Many, I assume, do. However, I believe that there are still many who do not need baptism because they were born pure though the Atonement of Christ but the illness took over their mind and can't choose for themselves. Perhaps that's why agency is so important. If we can't choose for ourselves, how could we function? If we can't choose for ourselves, what would be the point of being here, being alive?

If they didn't understand good and evil but only chose what looked more enticing to them, we lose agency and we are just mindless objects. We would be a leaf that goes where the wind takes us. Would we be happy this way? Would we have joy?

Something about choosing for ourselves gives us so much joy. Even if we make a wrong/bad choice, we would be happier to make our own choices than a choice making us.

It's interesting how you have more choices and can have a better judgment when you have more knowledge. For example, because I didn't know about God and Jesus Christ growing up, I couldn't choose to go to a church. Also, by studying more about the options you have, you can eliminate some options because you have a better view of consequences. It makes sense why we are told to study and ponder before we take it to the Lord and then make a decision: because, for one, we can eliminate some options on our own and we can have a better understanding of a bigger picture.

More on agency
When we make decisions, we have to be enticed by good and/or evil. Whether we are enticed by good or bad, we still have multiple choices on what we can do. However, if we didn't have nay oppositions, we would not be able to choose or have agency because we would only have one option. Think about the Garden of Eden; in the beginning Adam and Eve could not sin because they didn't have any other choices without the enticing of Satan. However, when they were tempted, they were given choices: to break a commandment to keep a higher and more essential commandment, or live at the Garden of Eden forever without progressing.

A lot of times people say that laws and rules restrict us and take away our freedom. However, that is a lie. We gain more freedom by choosing to follow God and keeping the commandments. Choosing evil will bring captivity of our souls which will bound us to only choose evil. I will lose the power to choose and will be in Satan's power.

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Journal Excerpts #1

It's been a while since I have blogged so what I am going to do is I am going to copy what I have been writing in my journal because there were a lot of things I would have posted here but I've just been lazy. A lot of thoughts will seem disorganized but if I am listening to talks or something like that, my ideas just jump from one to the next.

Sunday, June 23, 2013
"Something I've been thinking about is how when people think about their families, most would imagine every member of their family. But what if I told them to imagine one member, a father for example, gone from the picture? That's my family. I don't know how everything will work out in the end; however, I do not want anyone to have that. I want everyone to have the desire to share the gospel and bring others to Christ so that there would be no "empty seats." All the seats will be full and so will their joy.
"Sometimes we are not open to share the gospel with others when they come looking for the truth. Are we ready to share? Are we ready to bless the lives of others?
"Be not afraid but let charity fill your heart and invite others to come unto Christ. Think about what they desire, what they need, and what their concerns are. Listen, listen to them and listen to the Spirit. Speak, speak what they seek and what the Spirit tell you to speak.
"My new motto is, 'I will go where you want me to go. I will say what you want me to say. I will be what you want me to be.'
"What everyone needs is the feeling that they are needed. They want to be a part of something. There are people who are ready and when we read out to them. They will know that God's watching over them and will come back to His fold.
"Kyoo, do you remember when you were young, recently baptized, how everyone in the ward was welcoming and how they supported you? Without them, you would not be here. They welcomed you and made you a part of the family. You can do the same for others. You can help others be a part of this great family. Just remember what you have gone through.
"All the callings I had...did they not build on top of each other until I got this calling as a ward mission leader? Because I cared about those who passed on and temple work, I am not able to serve people to come unto Christ so that they could have eternal families. I had to learn and grow until now, and I will continue to learn.
"It's not just inviting people which we must do but have faith that they will return to the activity. Believe in God's power and in them. They all have accepted the gospel before. All they need is a reminder."

Tuesday, June 25, 2013
"Conversion is not either 'you are converted' or 'you are not converted' but a degree or a process. You could be converted enough to come to church every Sunday but you might not be converted enough to pay tithing. However, once you are converted (in one aspect), you are asked to 'strengthen your brethren.'
"Second of all, you have to remember that the gospel is all about others. The two greatest commandments are: love God and love your neighbor. All the other commandments or responsibilities are founded upon those two. You should always remember that it is about helping and serving others."

Thursday, June 27, 2013
"Christ had to learn and grow in the gospel and receive knowledge as we do. I may falter and do not know everything but as Christ did, I can continue to grow and become stronger. I just need to figure out how I can do it and always do my best.
"Wisdom is not only applying what you learn but also being able to see the consequences of your choices and applications thereof. Someone who is wise makes choices understanding what kind of consequences would come about when you make a choice. For example, King Solomon knew how great the love that mothers have for their children so he commanded that a baby to be cut in half to satisfy two women arguing over the baby. He knew that a real mother would want the other woman to take the baby rather than see the baby die. This is true wisdom.
"A new goal: stop thinking about myself but think about what others need. I should write down everyone's name that I have stewardship over then pray for them individually to know their needs, desires, and struggles. Once I start thinking about them, I will receive more revelations on how to help them.
"'Faith stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies.' (From The Lord is My Light) This teaches that when we have faith, we look beyond what we see physically. We hope for a better world. We would see what God would see."

That's all I am going to post at this time.

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Never Be Comfortless - Revisited

Since I got plenty of time to not study and not do homework, I decided to finish reading The Infinite Atonement. The part where I left off months ago was exactly where I needed to start at this period of my life: the crucifixion.

Elder Tad R. Callister talked about how Satan gave his all at the last moment: mocking, tempting, and ridiculing Christ. At this point, the Father has already withdrawn His presence from Christ. Christ was utterly alone at this time. He was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. He could have given up but He did not. He kept going. He continued to fight. He overcame Satan.

Elder Callister asked why it was necessary for Christ to be left alone. I almost got to the full truth but I still lacked knowledge and understanding. It wasn't necessarily that God purposefully withdrew Himself but rather He could not be with Christ because of all the sins that He took upon Himself. As the Spirit cannot reside with those who sin, God could not be with Christ with all those sins. Hence, Christ experienced the spiritual death through sins, not of His own but of ours. Thus, He descended below us all and could succor us.

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Never Be Comfortless

The Elders Quorum was the best today. I felt the Spirit so strongly and have  received great inspirations.

The Atonement of Christ did not end at the Garden of Gethsemane; that was only the beginning. Although He took upon Himself the sins, infirmities, and pains of the worlds (Alma 7:11-12), He was comforted when He bled at every pore by an angel sent by God. However, there was one more trial He had to go through: being completely alone. He was alone without the Spirit, without the presence of God when He was lifted on the cross. He cried out: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46) He was utterly alone. Never has God the Father taken away His presence from Christ nor left Him by Himself without any comfort. However, at this point on the cross when everyone around was mocking Him and tempting Him, He was completely alone.

Sometimes, we feel what Christ felt when He was on the cross: My God! Why hast Thou forsaken me! We want to cry out in pain and with anger. Why has this happened to me? Why me? Why? However, Christ suffered that ultimate loneliness so that He can comfort us. He promised us that He will let "leave us comfortless" (John 14:18) and He will never leave us alone. He knows what it feels like to be alone. He knows what it feels like to commit a sin that caused you to not have the Spirit with you. However, He has not left you alone. He is with you. He's not going to let you go through what He has gone through:

"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent." -Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-

You don't have to be comfortless. You don't have to be lonely. Christ has felt all that for you. Lean on Him. Trust Him.

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A Dream and Christ's Love

When it comes to dreams and interpretations of them, I have mixed feelings. My mom has dreams that show her if any of my relatives are sick or if we are going to have a bad day. She calls me time to time to caution me to be careful. However, I don't believe that all dreams are like this. I think dream interpretations are so personal that you can make a meaning out of them the way you want them to be. If you have seen therapists or are familiar with how they do it, they ask questions to influence their clients to relate some aspects of their dreams to people or situations around them, then clients make connections. Therefore, there could be multiple interpretations of a dream or none at all; however, I believe that it is up to that person to decide what it means.

Well, last night, I had a dream. In the dream, it was night and I was at some kind of a football stadium. I was going to leave then my mom came to pick me up. As she was driving, it was really really dark outside but the headlights weren't working properly. They were way dim! They didn't light up the road at all! I was so scared that she was going to hit cars around us or go off road so I literally took the wheel from her (it's a dream so I can do that). However, it obviously didn't make the situation any better. I decided to stop at a little run-down store to see if they had headlights. When we walked in, I could tell that this place would rip us off for sure but we really needed new headlights. When I asked the owner if he had any headlights, he told me that he had to order them and then mail them to us which would take few days. I was impatient and wanted new ones now but he proceeded to make an order for new headlights and gave me a price that was way more than they needed to be. I was so mad that I started to walk out but my mom was paying the owner with a $100 bill! I told her to stop but she didn't listen to me so I walked up to her and the owner and pull the bill out of one of their hands. Then I woke up.

I was so frustrated when I woke up because of the dream. It was 5:00 am. I had to get up in 30 minutes to go to work. I thought that it was going to be one of those days when I get frustrated with patrons at work. However, when I thought about the dream more, I got something different from it.

I may not know and see where I am going right now. I am graduating with nothing planned afterwards. All I know is that I need to stay in Provo. The path that I am on is so dark that it's impossible to see what's ahead of me. I need new "lights" to guide me and let me see what's in front of me.

What I didn't realize before is that Christ has always been "driving" my life but I took the "wheel" from Him. Now I can't go anywhere. Christ knew where to go and how to get to the destination but I didn't trust Him. I trusted myself more than Him. Although I was too stubborn to let Him take control of my life and wanted what I thought was the right thing, He was willing to pay the price, which is so great, for something I wanted. The price was His life. He gave His life so that I could get what I thought I needed. He didn't even scorn me for taking the wheel nor for wanting something that wasn't necessary to Him.

I was so impatient to get what I want. I need to be more patient with things that are happening in my life. I know that things will work out. I may not know where I am going but I have to realize that I am not by myself. I am with my Lord, my God who should be the one "driving," not me. I need to let Him drive but I know that he has paid the price for me to see clearly. It will just take some time before I can see clearly where I am going and why these trials happened and are happening.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,

That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,

That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!

Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?

No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,

Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me

Enough to die for me!

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

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Mending the Heart; Healing the Soul

Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep because I took a nap for an hour and half which only felt like I closed my eyes for an hour and half. Anyways, since I couldn't fall asleep, I decided to read a little from General Conference. I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk called "Four Titles" and few paragraphs stood out to me:

"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents...
"Remember that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is built not for men and women who are perfect or unaffected by mortal temptations, but rather it is built for people exactly like you and me."

And then I read the next subheading before deciding to try to sleep: Healer of Souls. That's where the title of this post came from and also I thought of Broken Things to Mend, a book by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

That was the preface of my post. I am already starting to get emotional as I think about what I am about to write. It's interesting how every time I try to share something that I have hidden or buried deep in my heart, I get really emotional.

Mending the Heart
Few months back (about six months ago), I decided to open myself up a little bit so I wrote this post and updated my Mormon.org profile. Ever since then, I made a new label for posts: Depression.

My heart has been broken many times, mostly by girls. There were few times in my life when I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard. I felt like I just couldn't go on.

There were two occasions when I was really depressed. The earlier occasion shouldn't have been too bad but it overwhelmed me. However, I had friends who supported me and gave me courage. I still remember being in bed, not being able to show myself to anyone. One of my roommates walked into my room and said, "Kyoo, can I give you a hug." I told him he could. He embraced me while I was under my blanket. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it any longer. I just cried. I thanked him and then he left the room. The next day, I felt so much better, and I am eternally grateful to that friend.

The later event was actually worse. Just worse. I know people out there who have gone way more than I have. I am not trying to compete or say that I've gone through what you have gone through but to me, that was the worst thing that has happened to me. I didn't want to live. Life was too hard. Life is too hard. However, I got through it.

How many time does my heart need to be broken? I don't know but I am sure it will happen many times in my life by girls, deaths, disappointments, etc. However, I decided that even if I feel like death at that time, even if I feel like giving up, I believe in Christ who made it possible for me to stand tall and keep moving forward.

Healing the Soul
I guess the fact that I never had high self-esteem could have caused the problem above but I also devalue the worth of my soul. I learned recently that the worth of soul is great because the worth is Christ. He paid for our souls. However, my soul has been sick, devalued by me.

I consider myself the worst person in the world. I blame myself for everything and sometimes dream that the world would be a better place without me. I feel that I cause harm in others. I would rather be "used" to help someone than not help someone. This is all due to the fact that I my worth comes from using up my resources to help others.

I used to think that if I could benefit someone in some way even though it would hurt me, I would do it because their value/worth is greater than mine. Why would you not think that when you believe that you have done so many terrible things in your life that God will only hide His face from you? How could you not believe that the worth of your soul is Christ when you are so wicked?

"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
"And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" -2 Nephi 4:26-27-

I felt like Nephi of old did except mine didn't end like this: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." -2 Nephi 4:28- I did the exact opposite. I put myself down and gave into the enemy of my soul and decided to remain in darkness.

It's not easy to forgive myself. My past always haunts me. However, I learned to accept my past, learn from it, and move on. I cannot serve others if I am engulfed with sorrow and let the "enemy of my soul" invade my soul. I also had to realize that everyone makes mistakes, not just me. Everyone struggles with trials, temptations, and sorrow. Knowing that I am not the only one gives me hope that I can move on and continue walking.

Learning from General Conference
This General Conference has helped me so much with these topic. For one, Elder Craig A. Cardon said:

"The Savior forgives sins “upon earth” and not just at the Final Judgment. He does not excuse us in our sins. He does not condone our return to past sins. But when we repent and obey His gospel, He forgives us."

Also, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf told a story of Jane:

"Given her dark past, Jane could easily have become vindictive, venomous, or violent. But she didn't. She resisted the temptation to spread the darkness, refusing to lash out in anger, hurt, or cynicism. Instead, she held fast to the hope that with God’s help she could be healed. She chose to radiate light and devote her life to helping others."

Long time ago, I decided that my life is service. I want to serve someone not because I feel that their souls worth more than mine but because this is what the Lord requires of me and because I love God. Christ has atoned for my sins, sorrows, afflictions, temptations, depression, and much more and all He and Heavenly Father require of me is service.


When I need my heart to be mended and my soul to be healed, I pray for God's mercy and Christ's grace to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It hurts to take a step after a step. Sometimes, the Telestial Kingdom seems very appealing, but if I give up now, I don't help anyone but will only bring sorrow to others. I would be so selfish to think that I wouldn't affect anyone. I chose life over death and Christ over Satan.

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