Giving Gratitude

As many of you know, I keep a journal. Currently, I am on my 11th journal since the second semester of the senior year of high school and it's about time to change to a 12th journal. I write from religious things to very personal things but recently, I realized that I have a hard time coming up with things to write. Perhaps, it's due to lack of events in my life since I don't go to school and I can't really write about patients at work. Therefore, I decided to come up with one thing that I am grateful for each day so that I would have something to write about everyday and I will focus more on spiritual things.

"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more." -Doctrine and Covenants 78:19-

In the most recent First Presidency Message by President Eyring, he stated:

"President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) described that process of inspired writing: 'Those who keep a book of remembrance are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.'
"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, 'How did God bless me and those I love today?' If you do that often enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind that you failed to notice during the day but that you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life."

I need to recognize the Lord's hand in my life each day and remember that I have been given so much even though I am not perfect. It is true that I would like more blessings in my life but for me, recognizing all these blessing will help me turn to the Lord more often and help me become more obedient to be worthy of those blessings. There are blessings all around us that we fail to recognize. I truly believe that when we recognize these blessings, we will be able to recognize His love for us and how often He blesses us with what we need.

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Writing Songs... Being Open...

I love music. I love to sing. Growing up, I listened to lots of music because I was always drawn to music. When I got older, I started to sing songs that I made up. Because I am not a prodigy when it comes to music, I was never able to write what I sang down; however, I always enjoyed just making my own songs. Songs about my life. Songs about love. Songs about being sad. Songs about everything. I felt as if I could express myself completely.

Since I started playing guitar more often, I started to get familiar with chords I play and I was able to make up notes that go with those chords. Now, I can sing whatever I want as I play guitar.

I don't consider myself a good writer but I do it because I enjoy it. I feel like I can fully express myself, even things that I would never consider telling others. You see, I have a very hard time expressing myself to others because 1. I am afraid to be judged and 2. I don't know how to convey what I am feeling or thinking with words. It takes me a long time to think about what I am thinking and feeling before I make sense. It's better for me to write things down rather than blurt them out. Even when I was trying to tell a girl why I liked her, it didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel like I got everything out of my chest.

You know, I know some of my friends would read a lot of things I write but it doesn't bother me to write anything but it's so hard for me to say it. Perhaps, it's because I actually think about what I write before I write. I have written many things that I have never told anyone about on this blog such as depression and suicidal thoughts. It's very therapeutic for me to be open. 

So I want to tell you one thing about me that I've been wanting to tell the girl I told you about above. I don't know when I will ever have an opportunity to do it but I want to let it out. She told me before that she has struggled growing up because many kids have made fun of her; therefore, she had low self-esteem. I wanted to tell her that I always had (and still kind of do) low self-esteem. I never had a lot of friends. I had a few that I hung out with but never was a social butterfly. I never had a girl who was interested in me. Then I started wearing glasses when I was in the fifth grade. I was never made fun of for having glasses; however, it only brought my self-esteem down even more. I always thought that I was ugly. I have never ever gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day. I became more awkward around girls. I was never able to express how I really felt.

I guess that's all I want to say for now.

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Spring Will Come

Spring Will Come

Under a grey winter sky

I pause while passing by

Dryness bares its fangs

On a bare thread hangs

Leaves desperate to hang on

Down below the grounds beckon.

For a moment a little doubt

Would new leaves sprout? 

From surround serene and calm

I hear the winds hum

No doubt the spring will come. 

Pradip Chattopadhyay

The indexing competition must be over because I am blogging a lot more now.

I found this poem and I like it. I feel like it's describing my life. One of my favorite people, Bro. C., told me long ago that spring will come after winter. It's true. Everything seems so dead and lifeless right now but spring always comes.

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Dream, Rain, Song

This morning I woke up feeling kind of sad and depressed; I had a dream that bothered my peace. I don't remember exactly what I dreamt but I remember crying and being very upset about something. How could emotions from a dream carry over to the real life? I can't answer that even though I am a (future) Psychologist.

Basically, the day didn't start out the way I would like it to but I tried to cheer myself up. I tried watching Mormon Message videos such as this one: 

and read the Book of Mormon. Unfortunately, it helped only a little.

Then I heard raindrops outside as I was getting read to go to work. It was still dark out and I couldn't see well but I saw that the ground was wet. It was either raining or rained already. I love rain but today it just made me even more somber (I think that is the best word to describe how today is). It's not in a "life stinks" way but it's just "where is this going" kind of a way.

I guess you didn't know this but I wrote a song to ask a girl out on a date. It was fun writing the song so I've been trying to write another song; however, even though I figured out what chords I want to use and strumming patterns, I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about.

The future is unknown because we only live in the present; however, we know the future because we made choices because of the future. I have no idea what I am saying right now but I want to do my best. I don't want to give up easily anymore. I want to keep trying and trying. Even if I get hurt trying, I know that I've done my best and the Lord will consecrate my efforts.

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Being a Writer

I love what this says. I don't write all the time but there have been months when I had a lot to write about. When I start writing a post but feel like I won't have a lot to say, I don't finish it at all because there is no point trying to come up with things to say when I got nothing to say.

This is also true that people don't think that you are "legit" if it's on the Internet. I am a writer even if I only write blog posts.

Images from theoatmeal.com

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