Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep because I took a nap for an hour and half which only felt like I closed my eyes for an hour and half. Anyways, since I couldn't fall asleep, I decided to read a little from General Conference. I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk called "
Four Titles" and few paragraphs stood out to me:
"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents...
"Remember that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is built not for men and women who are perfect or unaffected by mortal temptations, but rather it is built for people exactly like you and me."
And then I read the next subheading before deciding to try to sleep: Healer of Souls. That's where the title of this post came from and also I thought of Broken Things to Mend, a book by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
That was the preface of my post. I am already starting to get emotional as I think about what I am about to write. It's interesting how every time I try to share something that I have hidden or buried deep in my heart, I get really emotional.
Mending the Heart
Few months back (about six months ago), I decided to open myself up a little bit so I wrote
this post and updated my
Mormon.org profile. Ever since then, I made a new label for posts: Depression.
My heart has been broken many times, mostly by girls. There were few times in my life when I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard. I felt like I just couldn't go on.
There were two occasions when I was really depressed. The earlier occasion shouldn't have been too bad but it overwhelmed me. However, I had friends who supported me and gave me courage. I still remember being in bed, not being able to show myself to anyone. One of my roommates walked into my room and said, "Kyoo, can I give you a hug." I told him he could. He embraced me while I was under my blanket. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it any longer. I just cried. I thanked him and then he left the room. The next day, I felt so much better, and I am eternally grateful to that friend.
The later event was actually
worse. Just worse. I know people out there who have gone way more than I have. I am not trying to compete or say that I've gone through what you have gone through but to me, that was the worst thing that has happened to me. I didn't want to live. Life was too hard. Life is too hard. However, I got through it.
How many time does my heart need to be broken? I don't know but I am sure it will happen many times in my life by girls, deaths, disappointments, etc. However, I decided that even if I feel like death at that time, even if I feel like giving up, I believe in Christ who made it possible for me to stand tall and keep moving forward.
Healing the Soul
I guess the fact that I never had high self-esteem could have caused the problem above but I also devalue the worth of my soul. I learned recently that the worth of soul is great because the worth is Christ. He paid for our souls. However, my soul has been sick, devalued by me.
I consider myself the worst person in the world. I blame myself for everything and sometimes dream that the world would be a better place without me. I feel that I cause harm in others. I would rather be "used" to help someone than not help someone. This is all due to the fact that I my worth comes from using up my resources to help others.
I used to think that if I could benefit someone in some way even though it would hurt me, I would do it because their value/worth is greater than mine. Why would you not think that when you believe that you have done so many terrible things in your life that God will only hide His face from you? How could you not believe that the worth of your soul is Christ when you are so wicked?
"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
"And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" -2 Nephi 4:26-27-
I felt like Nephi of old did except mine didn't end like this: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." -
2 Nephi 4:28- I did the exact opposite. I put myself down and gave into the enemy of my soul and decided to remain in darkness.
It's not easy to forgive myself. My past always haunts me. However, I learned to accept my past, learn from it, and move on. I cannot serve others if I am engulfed with sorrow and let the "enemy of my soul" invade my soul. I also had to realize that everyone makes mistakes, not just me. Everyone struggles with trials, temptations, and sorrow. Knowing that I am not the only one gives me hope that I can move on and continue walking.
Learning from General Conference
This General Conference has helped me so much with these topic. For one, Elder Craig A.
Cardon said:
"The Savior forgives sins “upon earth” and not just at the Final Judgment. He does not excuse us in our sins. He does not condone our return to past sins. But when we repent and obey His gospel, He forgives us."
Also, Elder Dieter F.
Uchtdorf told a story of Jane:
"Given her dark past, Jane could easily have become vindictive, venomous, or violent. But she didn't. She resisted the temptation to spread the darkness, refusing to lash out in anger, hurt, or cynicism. Instead, she held fast to the hope that with God’s help she could be healed. She chose to radiate light and devote her life to helping others."
Long time ago, I decided that my life is service. I want to serve someone not because I feel that their souls worth more than mine but because this is what the Lord requires of me and because I love God. Christ has atoned for my sins, sorrows, afflictions, temptations, depression, and much more and all He and Heavenly Father require of me is service.
When I need my heart to be mended and my soul to be healed, I pray for God's mercy and Christ's grace to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It hurts to take a step after a step. Sometimes, the Telestial Kingdom seems very appealing, but if I give up now, I don't help anyone but will only bring sorrow to others. I would be so selfish to think that I wouldn't affect anyone. I chose life over death and Christ over Satan.
