This morning I was reflecting on how I was feeling. I felt confused, lonely, and other things. I didn't know why so of course, like I do all the time, I started to dig deeper. I am confused about how to connect everything I am experiencing here in Utah with what I know to be true. I got no one to express myself to. But that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about how much I fake in front of people.
I think about how I will show myself as depressed, angry, confused and so on in front of others but once I start talking to them, those expressions disappear and smile appears on my face. People don't know what's going through my head. They don't know how I feel. They just believe what I say and what's on my face. They think, 'Kyoo is always happy because he smiles all the time.' Well, that's false. I am not happy all the time. Perhaps I am happy most of the times but at the same time, I am still confused and lonely on many days.
I guess that's what I do best though. I fake and I let people don't see what's wrong with me. Or people don't want to recognize that I am not happy all the time because they don't want to ask me if something is wrong or they don't want to hear me complain. That's cool, I guess. I can understand that. I really can but for the person that I am, I feel like I have to listen to someone and help them out no matter what. That's what I've been doing but sometimes I wish there were someone like me to listen to me.
People always ask each other how they are doing. Automatic responses are "good!" They don't really say how they are feeling or how they are doing. I do it too but recently I have been saying, "All right" or have hard time what to say because I am not doing great but I am not doing bad either. On the other hand, if I say "bad," they freak out and start asking me what's wrong but then if I tell them what's going on, they usually don't know how to help me or respond to what I said. So perhaps there is no win-win situation here.
What can I say? Even if I want to tell people how I really am, there's no one. When people ask me how I am doing, nothing would come out of it if I said "good," but if I said "bad," people would ask me why I am doing good but they wouldn't be able to help me anyways. So what's the best choice? Just fake it. Just fake it and don't let them see how I am really doing and feeling. No one knows what I am going through right now. No one knows how I am feeling. I just fake it and keep it in my heart.
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