Mental Illness and Agency

I work at the Utah State Hospital or a mental hospital if you didn't know.

As I was watching some patients, I had a question: would mentally ill people need baptism?

Many, I assume, do. However, I believe that there are still many who do not need baptism because they were born pure though the Atonement of Christ but the illness took over their mind and can't choose for themselves. Perhaps that's why agency is so important. If we can't choose for ourselves, how could we function? If we can't choose for ourselves, what would be the point of being here, being alive?

If they didn't understand good and evil but only chose what looked more enticing to them, we lose agency and we are just mindless objects. We would be a leaf that goes where the wind takes us. Would we be happy this way? Would we have joy?

Something about choosing for ourselves gives us so much joy. Even if we make a wrong/bad choice, we would be happier to make our own choices than a choice making us.

It's interesting how you have more choices and can have a better judgment when you have more knowledge. For example, because I didn't know about God and Jesus Christ growing up, I couldn't choose to go to a church. Also, by studying more about the options you have, you can eliminate some options because you have a better view of consequences. It makes sense why we are told to study and ponder before we take it to the Lord and then make a decision: because, for one, we can eliminate some options on our own and we can have a better understanding of a bigger picture.

More on agency
When we make decisions, we have to be enticed by good and/or evil. Whether we are enticed by good or bad, we still have multiple choices on what we can do. However, if we didn't have nay oppositions, we would not be able to choose or have agency because we would only have one option. Think about the Garden of Eden; in the beginning Adam and Eve could not sin because they didn't have any other choices without the enticing of Satan. However, when they were tempted, they were given choices: to break a commandment to keep a higher and more essential commandment, or live at the Garden of Eden forever without progressing.

A lot of times people say that laws and rules restrict us and take away our freedom. However, that is a lie. We gain more freedom by choosing to follow God and keeping the commandments. Choosing evil will bring captivity of our souls which will bound us to only choose evil. I will lose the power to choose and will be in Satan's power.

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Journal Excerpts #1

It's been a while since I have blogged so what I am going to do is I am going to copy what I have been writing in my journal because there were a lot of things I would have posted here but I've just been lazy. A lot of thoughts will seem disorganized but if I am listening to talks or something like that, my ideas just jump from one to the next.

Sunday, June 23, 2013
"Something I've been thinking about is how when people think about their families, most would imagine every member of their family. But what if I told them to imagine one member, a father for example, gone from the picture? That's my family. I don't know how everything will work out in the end; however, I do not want anyone to have that. I want everyone to have the desire to share the gospel and bring others to Christ so that there would be no "empty seats." All the seats will be full and so will their joy.
"Sometimes we are not open to share the gospel with others when they come looking for the truth. Are we ready to share? Are we ready to bless the lives of others?
"Be not afraid but let charity fill your heart and invite others to come unto Christ. Think about what they desire, what they need, and what their concerns are. Listen, listen to them and listen to the Spirit. Speak, speak what they seek and what the Spirit tell you to speak.
"My new motto is, 'I will go where you want me to go. I will say what you want me to say. I will be what you want me to be.'
"What everyone needs is the feeling that they are needed. They want to be a part of something. There are people who are ready and when we read out to them. They will know that God's watching over them and will come back to His fold.
"Kyoo, do you remember when you were young, recently baptized, how everyone in the ward was welcoming and how they supported you? Without them, you would not be here. They welcomed you and made you a part of the family. You can do the same for others. You can help others be a part of this great family. Just remember what you have gone through.
"All the callings I had...did they not build on top of each other until I got this calling as a ward mission leader? Because I cared about those who passed on and temple work, I am not able to serve people to come unto Christ so that they could have eternal families. I had to learn and grow until now, and I will continue to learn.
"It's not just inviting people which we must do but have faith that they will return to the activity. Believe in God's power and in them. They all have accepted the gospel before. All they need is a reminder."

Tuesday, June 25, 2013
"Conversion is not either 'you are converted' or 'you are not converted' but a degree or a process. You could be converted enough to come to church every Sunday but you might not be converted enough to pay tithing. However, once you are converted (in one aspect), you are asked to 'strengthen your brethren.'
"Second of all, you have to remember that the gospel is all about others. The two greatest commandments are: love God and love your neighbor. All the other commandments or responsibilities are founded upon those two. You should always remember that it is about helping and serving others."

Thursday, June 27, 2013
"Christ had to learn and grow in the gospel and receive knowledge as we do. I may falter and do not know everything but as Christ did, I can continue to grow and become stronger. I just need to figure out how I can do it and always do my best.
"Wisdom is not only applying what you learn but also being able to see the consequences of your choices and applications thereof. Someone who is wise makes choices understanding what kind of consequences would come about when you make a choice. For example, King Solomon knew how great the love that mothers have for their children so he commanded that a baby to be cut in half to satisfy two women arguing over the baby. He knew that a real mother would want the other woman to take the baby rather than see the baby die. This is true wisdom.
"A new goal: stop thinking about myself but think about what others need. I should write down everyone's name that I have stewardship over then pray for them individually to know their needs, desires, and struggles. Once I start thinking about them, I will receive more revelations on how to help them.
"'Faith stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies.' (From The Lord is My Light) This teaches that when we have faith, we look beyond what we see physically. We hope for a better world. We would see what God would see."

That's all I am going to post at this time.

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June 21: a Party Day

Nutella muddy buddy, Oreo "treats," and Seven Layer dip

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Eternal Family

At the temple during a sealing ceremony, I was reminded of the importance of the temple and of the eternal family. I thought about my own family and then all those whom I serve.

There is a less active girl in my ward. I have heard that her mom has contacted bishop to help her come back to church. All of you are probably born under the covenant, sealed in the temple, or will have an eternal family one way or another. How would you feel if you would not have this eternal family? How would you feel when you knew that a member of your family is not keeping the covenant? You would do anything you can to bring that person back into the gospel because you love that person. Therefore, I felt the love of God for this girl, I felt the love of her mother for her. I would not want anyone to find an empty seat when their family gather at the last day. As it would be tragic for you, it would be as tragic for anyone.

My entire soul was burning with this love of God and I want everyone to feel it also. When you are filled with the love of God, you would see others differently and would want them to succeed. You want them to be with their family forever. You would treat them as you would treat your parents, children, and other family members.

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Writing Songs... Being Open...

I love music. I love to sing. Growing up, I listened to lots of music because I was always drawn to music. When I got older, I started to sing songs that I made up. Because I am not a prodigy when it comes to music, I was never able to write what I sang down; however, I always enjoyed just making my own songs. Songs about my life. Songs about love. Songs about being sad. Songs about everything. I felt as if I could express myself completely.

Since I started playing guitar more often, I started to get familiar with chords I play and I was able to make up notes that go with those chords. Now, I can sing whatever I want as I play guitar.

I don't consider myself a good writer but I do it because I enjoy it. I feel like I can fully express myself, even things that I would never consider telling others. You see, I have a very hard time expressing myself to others because 1. I am afraid to be judged and 2. I don't know how to convey what I am feeling or thinking with words. It takes me a long time to think about what I am thinking and feeling before I make sense. It's better for me to write things down rather than blurt them out. Even when I was trying to tell a girl why I liked her, it didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel like I got everything out of my chest.

You know, I know some of my friends would read a lot of things I write but it doesn't bother me to write anything but it's so hard for me to say it. Perhaps, it's because I actually think about what I write before I write. I have written many things that I have never told anyone about on this blog such as depression and suicidal thoughts. It's very therapeutic for me to be open. 

So I want to tell you one thing about me that I've been wanting to tell the girl I told you about above. I don't know when I will ever have an opportunity to do it but I want to let it out. She told me before that she has struggled growing up because many kids have made fun of her; therefore, she had low self-esteem. I wanted to tell her that I always had (and still kind of do) low self-esteem. I never had a lot of friends. I had a few that I hung out with but never was a social butterfly. I never had a girl who was interested in me. Then I started wearing glasses when I was in the fifth grade. I was never made fun of for having glasses; however, it only brought my self-esteem down even more. I always thought that I was ugly. I have never ever gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day. I became more awkward around girls. I was never able to express how I really felt.

I guess that's all I want to say for now.

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Conquering a Mountain

Three years ago after my mission and when I was living at the Callisters, I decided that I wanted to go hiking. There was a good spot where I could start hiking. I got prepared and started going up the mountain. After few hours, I got to a point where I didn't think I could go any further because there were so many trees and bushes. As I climbed down, I sworn to go back one day and get to the top.

Today, that happened. I went back and conquered that mountain. Before I left, though, I wrote a will just in case if I never came back to tell the tale. When I first started going up, I saw a footprint of an animal. I concluded that it was a cougar's. I decided that I would either die from falling or get eaten by a cougar. I prayed that neither would happen.

 Here are some pictures:

Going down is scarier than going up because I could have slipped and just fallen. Also, I had to climb down which is a lot scarier than climbing up. When you climb up, you can see where you are stepping. When you climb down, you have no idea if you are stepping on the right spot.

There were also many pretty flowers. I couldn't resist taking pictures of them.

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Remembering

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel." -Mosiah 4:11-

When I get down and trials happen in my life, I focus on what's happening in my life right now rather than remembering what the Lord has done for me. When I read this scripture last night, I realized that I have been  forgetting to do the most important thing in the gospel: remembering.

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Disappointing Myself

Sometimes what kills me the most is not what people do to me but what I do to others. When people disappoint me or offend me, it kills me. However, when I think about what I do to disappoint others or offend them, it kills me even more.

There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.

When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?

I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.

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Untitled

It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.

Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.

Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?

Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?

I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.

However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.

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Kyoo's Life: Job Search and a Calling

It's been a long time since I have written. It is not because I have been busy. I have just been lazy.

I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.

During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.

On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."

I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!

I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.

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