Eternal Family

At the temple during a sealing ceremony, I was reminded of the importance of the temple and of the eternal family. I thought about my own family and then all those whom I serve.

There is a less active girl in my ward. I have heard that her mom has contacted bishop to help her come back to church. All of you are probably born under the covenant, sealed in the temple, or will have an eternal family one way or another. How would you feel if you would not have this eternal family? How would you feel when you knew that a member of your family is not keeping the covenant? You would do anything you can to bring that person back into the gospel because you love that person. Therefore, I felt the love of God for this girl, I felt the love of her mother for her. I would not want anyone to find an empty seat when their family gather at the last day. As it would be tragic for you, it would be as tragic for anyone.

My entire soul was burning with this love of God and I want everyone to feel it also. When you are filled with the love of God, you would see others differently and would want them to succeed. You want them to be with their family forever. You would treat them as you would treat your parents, children, and other family members.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Writing Songs... Being Open...

I love music. I love to sing. Growing up, I listened to lots of music because I was always drawn to music. When I got older, I started to sing songs that I made up. Because I am not a prodigy when it comes to music, I was never able to write what I sang down; however, I always enjoyed just making my own songs. Songs about my life. Songs about love. Songs about being sad. Songs about everything. I felt as if I could express myself completely.

Since I started playing guitar more often, I started to get familiar with chords I play and I was able to make up notes that go with those chords. Now, I can sing whatever I want as I play guitar.

I don't consider myself a good writer but I do it because I enjoy it. I feel like I can fully express myself, even things that I would never consider telling others. You see, I have a very hard time expressing myself to others because 1. I am afraid to be judged and 2. I don't know how to convey what I am feeling or thinking with words. It takes me a long time to think about what I am thinking and feeling before I make sense. It's better for me to write things down rather than blurt them out. Even when I was trying to tell a girl why I liked her, it didn't make sense to me and I didn't feel like I got everything out of my chest.

You know, I know some of my friends would read a lot of things I write but it doesn't bother me to write anything but it's so hard for me to say it. Perhaps, it's because I actually think about what I write before I write. I have written many things that I have never told anyone about on this blog such as depression and suicidal thoughts. It's very therapeutic for me to be open. 

So I want to tell you one thing about me that I've been wanting to tell the girl I told you about above. I don't know when I will ever have an opportunity to do it but I want to let it out. She told me before that she has struggled growing up because many kids have made fun of her; therefore, she had low self-esteem. I wanted to tell her that I always had (and still kind of do) low self-esteem. I never had a lot of friends. I had a few that I hung out with but never was a social butterfly. I never had a girl who was interested in me. Then I started wearing glasses when I was in the fifth grade. I was never made fun of for having glasses; however, it only brought my self-esteem down even more. I always thought that I was ugly. I have never ever gotten chocolate on Valentine's Day. I became more awkward around girls. I was never able to express how I really felt.

I guess that's all I want to say for now.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Conquering a Mountain

Three years ago after my mission and when I was living at the Callisters, I decided that I wanted to go hiking. There was a good spot where I could start hiking. I got prepared and started going up the mountain. After few hours, I got to a point where I didn't think I could go any further because there were so many trees and bushes. As I climbed down, I sworn to go back one day and get to the top.

Today, that happened. I went back and conquered that mountain. Before I left, though, I wrote a will just in case if I never came back to tell the tale. When I first started going up, I saw a footprint of an animal. I concluded that it was a cougar's. I decided that I would either die from falling or get eaten by a cougar. I prayed that neither would happen.

 Here are some pictures:

Going down is scarier than going up because I could have slipped and just fallen. Also, I had to climb down which is a lot scarier than climbing up. When you climb up, you can see where you are stepping. When you climb down, you have no idea if you are stepping on the right spot.

There were also many pretty flowers. I couldn't resist taking pictures of them.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Remembering

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel." -Mosiah 4:11-

When I get down and trials happen in my life, I focus on what's happening in my life right now rather than remembering what the Lord has done for me. When I read this scripture last night, I realized that I have been  forgetting to do the most important thing in the gospel: remembering.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Disappointing Myself

Sometimes what kills me the most is not what people do to me but what I do to others. When people disappoint me or offend me, it kills me. However, when I think about what I do to disappoint others or offend them, it kills me even more.

There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.

When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?

I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Untitled

It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.

Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.

Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?

Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?

I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.

However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Kyoo's Life: Job Search and a Calling

It's been a long time since I have written. It is not because I have been busy. I have just been lazy.

I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.

During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.

On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."

I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!

I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Never Be Comfortless - Revisited

Since I got plenty of time to not study and not do homework, I decided to finish reading The Infinite Atonement. The part where I left off months ago was exactly where I needed to start at this period of my life: the crucifixion.

Elder Tad R. Callister talked about how Satan gave his all at the last moment: mocking, tempting, and ridiculing Christ. At this point, the Father has already withdrawn His presence from Christ. Christ was utterly alone at this time. He was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. He could have given up but He did not. He kept going. He continued to fight. He overcame Satan.

Elder Callister asked why it was necessary for Christ to be left alone. I almost got to the full truth but I still lacked knowledge and understanding. It wasn't necessarily that God purposefully withdrew Himself but rather He could not be with Christ because of all the sins that He took upon Himself. As the Spirit cannot reside with those who sin, God could not be with Christ with all those sins. Hence, Christ experienced the spiritual death through sins, not of His own but of ours. Thus, He descended below us all and could succor us.

Related Post
Never Be Comfortless

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

Never Be Comfortless

The Elders Quorum was the best today. I felt the Spirit so strongly and have  received great inspirations.

The Atonement of Christ did not end at the Garden of Gethsemane; that was only the beginning. Although He took upon Himself the sins, infirmities, and pains of the worlds (Alma 7:11-12), He was comforted when He bled at every pore by an angel sent by God. However, there was one more trial He had to go through: being completely alone. He was alone without the Spirit, without the presence of God when He was lifted on the cross. He cried out: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46) He was utterly alone. Never has God the Father taken away His presence from Christ nor left Him by Himself without any comfort. However, at this point on the cross when everyone around was mocking Him and tempting Him, He was completely alone.

Sometimes, we feel what Christ felt when He was on the cross: My God! Why hast Thou forsaken me! We want to cry out in pain and with anger. Why has this happened to me? Why me? Why? However, Christ suffered that ultimate loneliness so that He can comfort us. He promised us that He will let "leave us comfortless" (John 14:18) and He will never leave us alone. He knows what it feels like to be alone. He knows what it feels like to commit a sin that caused you to not have the Spirit with you. However, He has not left you alone. He is with you. He's not going to let you go through what He has gone through:

"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent." -Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-

You don't have to be comfortless. You don't have to be lonely. Christ has felt all that for you. Lean on Him. Trust Him.

Related Post
A Dream and Christ's Love
Being Alone?
Christ Is The Reason

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More

I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 23

As a psych major, I don't use MLA style at all. I am an expert-ish at APA style but I don't know anything about MLA. I get a chat at work about citing an article.

Me: OK. What style are you using?
Patron: MLA
Patron: I have the following for it:
Patron: Kopel, Davis B. "Pretend ―Gun-Free‖ School Zones: A Deadly Legal Fiction." Connecticut Law Review 42 (2009): 515-84. Print.
Me: Also, I don't have access to the link you sent me.
Patron: Ok.
Patron: Can I send you a pdf?
Me: "Connecticut Law Review" needs to be italicized.
Patron: This should work: http://connecticutlawreview.org/articles/pretend-%EF%BF%BDgun-free%EF%BF%BD-school-zones-a-deadly-legal-fiction/
Patron: I found it online.
Patron: It was.
Patron: Can you get the pdf?
Me: Yep.
Patron: Did I cite it correctly?
Me: No.
Patron: I am a little unsure what it is.
Patron: ok
Patron: So what is it?
Me: Kopel, David B. "Pretend "Gun-Free" School Zones: A Deadly Legal Fiction." Connecticut Law Review 42.2 (2009): 515-584. Print.
Me: Librarianed! (patent pending)

Yep, I really said "librarianed."

Related Posts
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 22
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 21
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 20
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 19
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 18

Posted by Q K 0 comments

Read More