"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel." -Mosiah 4:11-When I get down and trials happen in my life, I focus on what's happening in my life right now rather than remembering what the Lord has done for me. When I read this scripture last night, I realized that I have been forgetting to do the most important thing in the gospel: remembering.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Remembering
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Disappointing Myself
Sometimes what kills me the most is not what people do to me but what I do to others. When people disappoint me or offend me, it kills me. However, when I think about what I do to disappoint others or offend them, it kills me even more.
There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.
When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?
I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.
There are so many people who have high expectations of me and they tell me how amazing I am, but then I betray their trust and their expectations. I act below my potential and their expectations. I get depressed the most is when I realized that I have not met others' expectations and that I have disappointed them. I disappoint myself.
When I look back at the most recent experience, I have acted according to my selfish desires. I always have. I have been told many times to think of others' happiness but I kept wanting to protect myself, my own feelings, from getting hurt that I never managed to put others first. I have no excuse. I am just selfish. How could I not realize that I have hurt others? It's not just me who gets hurt. Even though I realize this, even though I know I hurt others, I am so prideful that I am not willing to ask for forgiveness. I am so prideful that I rather not face anyone. I don't want to open up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to look weak. For what? Has pride gotten me anywhere? No. It never has. It always brought loneliness. I always ended up alone. Perhaps, I try to be alone so that there wouldn't be anyone to disappoint. That's bogus. I am selfish. I wouldn't be thinking about others. I am only trying to protect myself. If I don't get involved with anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. If there is no one to open up to, there wouldn't be anyone who could hurt me. Why would I think that?
I feel like I have been betrayed all my life. Betrayed by my so-called friends. They would pretend to care about me but in the end, they always turned their backs on me. They would forget what they said, what they promised. They would leave me alone. When they find someone better than me, they would forget about me. I would continue to try to fit in somewhere but I never have. Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Why would I expect them to like me when there is always someone who has all the qualities I have and more? They could easily replace me with someone better. When they no longer need me, I will be thrown to the side and will be forgotten. That's what happens all the time. It's about time I get used to it...but I can't. I just can't seem to get used to it. Maybe I need to try harder. Try harder to get used to it.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Untitled
It's a perfect weather for this post. It's windy and rainy. The clothes I wore are perfect also: all black.
Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.
Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?
Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?
I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.
However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.
Have you slept/stayed in bed for over 13 hours? I never realized this but you don't get hungry when you sleep for 13 hours. Maybe your body is trying to conserve energy or maybe your back hurts more than your stomach. I don't know why but I guess if you want to lose weight, that's a good way to do it.
Once again I started to believe that friendship is an illusion. I remember my friend saying that there is no point having female friends or that there is no such thing as female friends. I am starting to believe that. If your good friend, if not a best friend, doesn't want to date you, who would? What would be the point trying to date?
Why is it that you can still hear that girl's laughter and voice when she rejected you? Why couldn't you tell her how much she means to you and how much you like her right then? Why do you feel like there is nothing left for you? Did you have to end it like you did?
I no longer have any desires to make any friends. I don't want to go to any activities. I just want to be left alone. Sister C. tried to comfort me and told me how great I am but that didn't comfort me at all. Perhaps, I don't want to be comforted.
However, I still got out of bed. I took a shower. I got dressed. I had breakfast. I turned on the dishwasher. I made my bed. I am still breathing. I am still alive. Life, unfortunately, doesn't wait for you to recuperate. Life keeps on moving.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Kyoo's Life: Job Search and a Calling
It's been a long time since I have written. It is not because I have been busy. I have just been lazy.
I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.
During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.
On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."
I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!
I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.
I am done with school. I graduated from BYU with a BS in Psychology but now what? I have been looking for a job and I actually got an offer at the West Ridge Academy in West Jordan. However alas, my life is so complicated. I had to turn the offer down. So now, I am still jobless. When will I be able to work? I will never know.
During this job hunt, I realized that the Lord must have something in store for me. When a new chapter started in my life, I always come to a complete stop until I find a way to go around or climb over a roadblock. It happened every single time without fail. Yes, I would like to complain. Yes, I just want to give up. However, I have been warned by the Lord that that I will have roadblocks in my life. It's not easy. It's always so hard but at the last moment, things fall into places perfectly. I have faith that it will be the same this time.
On top of this, I got a new calling on Sunday. I have not been sustained yet but I am really excited and overwhelmed already. This will demand most of my time right now because of all the planning I have to do and I have to take over from what the last person did. Interestingly, though, when I moved into this ward, I decided that I was going to know everyone by name even if I don't hang out with them. Well, with this calling, I will really have to know everyone by their names. This calling is "ward mission leader."
I have never had such a calling. Most of my callings were co-chair for Temple Committee, Activity Committee, Indexing Committee, or Service Committee. The only non-co-chair calling I had was FHE leader (so a "father"). WARD MISSION LEADER! I am freaking out!
I am not too worried. I am just nervous with this calling and feel overwhelmed with everything I will have to do. However, as Bishop R. told me, I need to rely on the Lord and be patient with my job situation. Everything happens for a reason and it will be all right.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Never Be Comfortless - Revisited
Since I got plenty of time to not study and not do homework, I decided to finish reading The Infinite Atonement. The part where I left off months ago was exactly where I needed to start at this period of my life: the crucifixion.
Elder Tad R. Callister talked about how Satan gave his all at the last moment: mocking, tempting, and ridiculing Christ. At this point, the Father has already withdrawn His presence from Christ. Christ was utterly alone at this time. He was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. He could have given up but He did not. He kept going. He continued to fight. He overcame Satan.
Elder Callister asked why it was necessary for Christ to be left alone. I almost got to the full truth but I still lacked knowledge and understanding. It wasn't necessarily that God purposefully withdrew Himself but rather He could not be with Christ because of all the sins that He took upon Himself. As the Spirit cannot reside with those who sin, God could not be with Christ with all those sins. Hence, Christ experienced the spiritual death through sins, not of His own but of ours. Thus, He descended below us all and could succor us.
Related Post
Never Be Comfortless
Elder Tad R. Callister talked about how Satan gave his all at the last moment: mocking, tempting, and ridiculing Christ. At this point, the Father has already withdrawn His presence from Christ. Christ was utterly alone at this time. He was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. He could have given up but He did not. He kept going. He continued to fight. He overcame Satan.
Elder Callister asked why it was necessary for Christ to be left alone. I almost got to the full truth but I still lacked knowledge and understanding. It wasn't necessarily that God purposefully withdrew Himself but rather He could not be with Christ because of all the sins that He took upon Himself. As the Spirit cannot reside with those who sin, God could not be with Christ with all those sins. Hence, Christ experienced the spiritual death through sins, not of His own but of ours. Thus, He descended below us all and could succor us.
Related Post
Never Be Comfortless
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Never Be Comfortless
The Elders Quorum was the best today. I felt the Spirit so strongly and have received great inspirations.
The Atonement of Christ did not end at the Garden of Gethsemane; that was only the beginning. Although He took upon Himself the sins, infirmities, and pains of the worlds (Alma 7:11-12), He was comforted when He bled at every pore by an angel sent by God. However, there was one more trial He had to go through: being completely alone. He was alone without the Spirit, without the presence of God when He was lifted on the cross. He cried out: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46) He was utterly alone. Never has God the Father taken away His presence from Christ nor left Him by Himself without any comfort. However, at this point on the cross when everyone around was mocking Him and tempting Him, He was completely alone.
Sometimes, we feel what Christ felt when He was on the cross: My God! Why hast Thou forsaken me! We want to cry out in pain and with anger. Why has this happened to me? Why me? Why? However, Christ suffered that ultimate loneliness so that He can comfort us. He promised us that He will let "leave us comfortless" (John 14:18) and He will never leave us alone. He knows what it feels like to be alone. He knows what it feels like to commit a sin that caused you to not have the Spirit with you. However, He has not left you alone. He is with you. He's not going to let you go through what He has gone through:
"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent." -Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-You don't have to be comfortless. You don't have to be lonely. Christ has felt all that for you. Lean on Him. Trust Him.
Related Post
A Dream and Christ's Love
Being Alone?
Christ Is The Reason
Friday, April 19, 2013
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 23
As a psych major, I don't use MLA style at all. I am an expert-ish at APA style but I don't know anything about MLA. I get a chat at work about citing an article.
Me: OK. What style are you using?
Patron: MLA
Patron: I have the following for it:
Patron: Kopel, Davis B. "Pretend ―Gun-Free‖ School Zones: A Deadly Legal Fiction." Connecticut Law Review 42 (2009): 515-84. Print.
Me: Also, I don't have access to the link you sent me.
Patron: Ok.
Patron: Can I send you a pdf?
Me: "Connecticut Law Review" needs to be italicized.
Patron: This should work: http://connecticutlawreview.org/articles/pretend-%EF%BF%BDgun-free%EF%BF%BD-school-zones-a-deadly-legal-fiction/
Patron: I found it online.
Patron: It was.
Patron: Can you get the pdf?
Me: Yep.
Patron: Did I cite it correctly?
Me: No.
Patron: I am a little unsure what it is.
Patron: ok
Patron: So what is it?
Me: Kopel, David B. "Pretend "Gun-Free" School Zones: A Deadly Legal Fiction." Connecticut Law Review 42.2 (2009): 515-584. Print.
Me: Librarianed! (patent pending)
Yep, I really said "librarianed."
Related Posts
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 22
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 21
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 20
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 19
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 18
Me: OK. What style are you using?
Patron: MLA
Patron: I have the following for it:
Patron: Kopel, Davis B. "Pretend ―Gun-Free‖ School Zones: A Deadly Legal Fiction." Connecticut Law Review 42 (2009): 515-84. Print.
Me: Also, I don't have access to the link you sent me.
Patron: Ok.
Patron: Can I send you a pdf?
Me: "Connecticut Law Review" needs to be italicized.
Patron: This should work: http://connecticutlawreview.org/articles/pretend-%EF%BF%BDgun-free%EF%BF%BD-school-zones-a-deadly-legal-fiction/
Patron: I found it online.
Patron: It was.
Patron: Can you get the pdf?
Me: Yep.
Patron: Did I cite it correctly?
Me: No.
Patron: I am a little unsure what it is.
Patron: ok
Patron: So what is it?
Me: Kopel, David B. "Pretend "Gun-Free" School Zones: A Deadly Legal Fiction." Connecticut Law Review 42.2 (2009): 515-584. Print.
Me: Librarianed! (patent pending)
Yep, I really said "librarianed."
Related Posts
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 22
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 21
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 20
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 19
I Work at a Zoo Called "Library" Part 18
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
A Dream and Christ's Love
When it comes to dreams and interpretations of them, I have mixed feelings. My mom has dreams that show her if any of my relatives are sick or if we are going to have a bad day. She calls me time to time to caution me to be careful. However, I don't believe that all dreams are like this. I think dream interpretations are so personal that you can make a meaning out of them the way you want them to be. If you have seen therapists or are familiar with how they do it, they ask questions to influence their clients to relate some aspects of their dreams to people or situations around them, then clients make connections. Therefore, there could be multiple interpretations of a dream or none at all; however, I believe that it is up to that person to decide what it means.
Well, last night, I had a dream. In the dream, it was night and I was at some kind of a football stadium. I was going to leave then my mom came to pick me up. As she was driving, it was really really dark outside but the headlights weren't working properly. They were way dim! They didn't light up the road at all! I was so scared that she was going to hit cars around us or go off road so I literally took the wheel from her (it's a dream so I can do that). However, it obviously didn't make the situation any better. I decided to stop at a little run-down store to see if they had headlights. When we walked in, I could tell that this place would rip us off for sure but we really needed new headlights. When I asked the owner if he had any headlights, he told me that he had to order them and then mail them to us which would take few days. I was impatient and wanted new ones now but he proceeded to make an order for new headlights and gave me a price that was way more than they needed to be. I was so mad that I started to walk out but my mom was paying the owner with a $100 bill! I told her to stop but she didn't listen to me so I walked up to her and the owner and pull the bill out of one of their hands. Then I woke up.
I was so frustrated when I woke up because of the dream. It was 5:00 am. I had to get up in 30 minutes to go to work. I thought that it was going to be one of those days when I get frustrated with patrons at work. However, when I thought about the dream more, I got something different from it.
I may not know and see where I am going right now. I am graduating with nothing planned afterwards. All I know is that I need to stay in Provo. The path that I am on is so dark that it's impossible to see what's ahead of me. I need new "lights" to guide me and let me see what's in front of me.
What I didn't realize before is that Christ has always been "driving" my life but I took the "wheel" from Him. Now I can't go anywhere. Christ knew where to go and how to get to the destination but I didn't trust Him. I trusted myself more than Him. Although I was too stubborn to let Him take control of my life and wanted what I thought was the right thing, He was willing to pay the price, which is so great, for something I wanted. The price was His life. He gave His life so that I could get what I thought I needed. He didn't even scorn me for taking the wheel nor for wanting something that wasn't necessary to Him.
I was so impatient to get what I want. I need to be more patient with things that are happening in my life. I know that things will work out. I may not know where I am going but I have to realize that I am not by myself. I am with my Lord, my God who should be the one "driving," not me. I need to let Him drive but I know that he has paid the price for me to see clearly. It will just take some time before I can see clearly where I am going and why these trials happened and are happening.Well, last night, I had a dream. In the dream, it was night and I was at some kind of a football stadium. I was going to leave then my mom came to pick me up. As she was driving, it was really really dark outside but the headlights weren't working properly. They were way dim! They didn't light up the road at all! I was so scared that she was going to hit cars around us or go off road so I literally took the wheel from her (it's a dream so I can do that). However, it obviously didn't make the situation any better. I decided to stop at a little run-down store to see if they had headlights. When we walked in, I could tell that this place would rip us off for sure but we really needed new headlights. When I asked the owner if he had any headlights, he told me that he had to order them and then mail them to us which would take few days. I was impatient and wanted new ones now but he proceeded to make an order for new headlights and gave me a price that was way more than they needed to be. I was so mad that I started to walk out but my mom was paying the owner with a $100 bill! I told her to stop but she didn't listen to me so I walked up to her and the owner and pull the bill out of one of their hands. Then I woke up.
I was so frustrated when I woke up because of the dream. It was 5:00 am. I had to get up in 30 minutes to go to work. I thought that it was going to be one of those days when I get frustrated with patrons at work. However, when I thought about the dream more, I got something different from it.
I may not know and see where I am going right now. I am graduating with nothing planned afterwards. All I know is that I need to stay in Provo. The path that I am on is so dark that it's impossible to see what's ahead of me. I need new "lights" to guide me and let me see what's in front of me.
What I didn't realize before is that Christ has always been "driving" my life but I took the "wheel" from Him. Now I can't go anywhere. Christ knew where to go and how to get to the destination but I didn't trust Him. I trusted myself more than Him. Although I was too stubborn to let Him take control of my life and wanted what I thought was the right thing, He was willing to pay the price, which is so great, for something I wanted. The price was His life. He gave His life so that I could get what I thought I needed. He didn't even scorn me for taking the wheel nor for wanting something that wasn't necessary to Him.
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Mending the Heart; Healing the Soul
Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep because I took a nap for an hour and half which only felt like I closed my eyes for an hour and half. Anyways, since I couldn't fall asleep, I decided to read a little from General Conference. I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk called "Four Titles" and few paragraphs stood out to me:
That was the preface of my post. I am already starting to get emotional as I think about what I am about to write. It's interesting how every time I try to share something that I have hidden or buried deep in my heart, I get really emotional.
Mending the Heart
Few months back (about six months ago), I decided to open myself up a little bit so I wrote this post and updated my Mormon.org profile. Ever since then, I made a new label for posts: Depression.
My heart has been broken many times, mostly by girls. There were few times in my life when I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard. I felt like I just couldn't go on.
There were two occasions when I was really depressed. The earlier occasion shouldn't have been too bad but it overwhelmed me. However, I had friends who supported me and gave me courage. I still remember being in bed, not being able to show myself to anyone. One of my roommates walked into my room and said, "Kyoo, can I give you a hug." I told him he could. He embraced me while I was under my blanket. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it any longer. I just cried. I thanked him and then he left the room. The next day, I felt so much better, and I am eternally grateful to that friend.
The later event was actually worse. Just worse. I know people out there who have gone way more than I have. I am not trying to compete or say that I've gone through what you have gone through but to me, that was the worst thing that has happened to me. I didn't want to live. Life was too hard. Life is too hard. However, I got through it.
How many time does my heart need to be broken? I don't know but I am sure it will happen many times in my life by girls, deaths, disappointments, etc. However, I decided that even if I feel like death at that time, even if I feel like giving up, I believe in Christ who made it possible for me to stand tall and keep moving forward.
Healing the Soul
I guess the fact that I never had high self-esteem could have caused the problem above but I also devalue the worth of my soul. I learned recently that the worth of soul is great because the worth is Christ. He paid for our souls. However, my soul has been sick, devalued by me.
I consider myself the worst person in the world. I blame myself for everything and sometimes dream that the world would be a better place without me. I feel that I cause harm in others. I would rather be "used" to help someone than not help someone. This is all due to the fact that I my worth comes from using up my resources to help others.
I used to think that if I could benefit someone in some way even though it would hurt me, I would do it because their value/worth is greater than mine. Why would you not think that when you believe that you have done so many terrible things in your life that God will only hide His face from you? How could you not believe that the worth of your soul is Christ when you are so wicked?
It's not easy to forgive myself. My past always haunts me. However, I learned to accept my past, learn from it, and move on. I cannot serve others if I am engulfed with sorrow and let the "enemy of my soul" invade my soul. I also had to realize that everyone makes mistakes, not just me. Everyone struggles with trials, temptations, and sorrow. Knowing that I am not the only one gives me hope that I can move on and continue walking.
Learning from General Conference
This General Conference has helped me so much with these topic. For one, Elder Craig A. Cardon said:
When I need my heart to be mended and my soul to be healed, I pray for God's mercy and Christ's grace to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It hurts to take a step after a step. Sometimes, the Telestial Kingdom seems very appealing, but if I give up now, I don't help anyone but will only bring sorrow to others. I would be so selfish to think that I wouldn't affect anyone. I chose life over death and Christ over Satan.
"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents...And then I read the next subheading before deciding to try to sleep: Healer of Souls. That's where the title of this post came from and also I thought of Broken Things to Mend, a book by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
"Remember that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is built not for men and women who are perfect or unaffected by mortal temptations, but rather it is built for people exactly like you and me."
That was the preface of my post. I am already starting to get emotional as I think about what I am about to write. It's interesting how every time I try to share something that I have hidden or buried deep in my heart, I get really emotional.
Mending the Heart
Few months back (about six months ago), I decided to open myself up a little bit so I wrote this post and updated my Mormon.org profile. Ever since then, I made a new label for posts: Depression.
My heart has been broken many times, mostly by girls. There were few times in my life when I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard. I felt like I just couldn't go on.
There were two occasions when I was really depressed. The earlier occasion shouldn't have been too bad but it overwhelmed me. However, I had friends who supported me and gave me courage. I still remember being in bed, not being able to show myself to anyone. One of my roommates walked into my room and said, "Kyoo, can I give you a hug." I told him he could. He embraced me while I was under my blanket. I sobbed. I couldn't hold it any longer. I just cried. I thanked him and then he left the room. The next day, I felt so much better, and I am eternally grateful to that friend.The later event was actually worse. Just worse. I know people out there who have gone way more than I have. I am not trying to compete or say that I've gone through what you have gone through but to me, that was the worst thing that has happened to me. I didn't want to live. Life was too hard. Life is too hard. However, I got through it.
How many time does my heart need to be broken? I don't know but I am sure it will happen many times in my life by girls, deaths, disappointments, etc. However, I decided that even if I feel like death at that time, even if I feel like giving up, I believe in Christ who made it possible for me to stand tall and keep moving forward.
Healing the Soul
I guess the fact that I never had high self-esteem could have caused the problem above but I also devalue the worth of my soul. I learned recently that the worth of soul is great because the worth is Christ. He paid for our souls. However, my soul has been sick, devalued by me.
I consider myself the worst person in the world. I blame myself for everything and sometimes dream that the world would be a better place without me. I feel that I cause harm in others. I would rather be "used" to help someone than not help someone. This is all due to the fact that I my worth comes from using up my resources to help others.
I used to think that if I could benefit someone in some way even though it would hurt me, I would do it because their value/worth is greater than mine. Why would you not think that when you believe that you have done so many terrible things in your life that God will only hide His face from you? How could you not believe that the worth of your soul is Christ when you are so wicked?
"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?I felt like Nephi of old did except mine didn't end like this: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." -2 Nephi 4:28- I did the exact opposite. I put myself down and gave into the enemy of my soul and decided to remain in darkness.
"And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" -2 Nephi 4:26-27-
It's not easy to forgive myself. My past always haunts me. However, I learned to accept my past, learn from it, and move on. I cannot serve others if I am engulfed with sorrow and let the "enemy of my soul" invade my soul. I also had to realize that everyone makes mistakes, not just me. Everyone struggles with trials, temptations, and sorrow. Knowing that I am not the only one gives me hope that I can move on and continue walking.
Learning from General Conference
This General Conference has helped me so much with these topic. For one, Elder Craig A. Cardon said:"The Savior forgives sins “upon earth” and not just at the Final Judgment. He does not excuse us in our sins. He does not condone our return to past sins. But when we repent and obey His gospel, He forgives us."Also, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf told a story of Jane:
"Given her dark past, Jane could easily have become vindictive, venomous, or violent. But she didn't. She resisted the temptation to spread the darkness, refusing to lash out in anger, hurt, or cynicism. Instead, she held fast to the hope that with God’s help she could be healed. She chose to radiate light and devote her life to helping others."Long time ago, I decided that my life is service. I want to serve someone not because I feel that their souls worth more than mine but because this is what the Lord requires of me and because I love God. Christ has atoned for my sins, sorrows, afflictions, temptations, depression, and much more and all He and Heavenly Father require of me is service.
When I need my heart to be mended and my soul to be healed, I pray for God's mercy and Christ's grace to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It hurts to take a step after a step. Sometimes, the Telestial Kingdom seems very appealing, but if I give up now, I don't help anyone but will only bring sorrow to others. I would be so selfish to think that I wouldn't affect anyone. I chose life over death and Christ over Satan.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Part-time Christian, Full-time Christian
Many of you probably have jobs. If you are a student, you would more likely to be a part-time employee. If you are an LDS, you might have served a full-time mission. I want you to think about the difference between a part-time (fill in the blank) and a full-time (fill in the blank) as you read this.
I wrote the following on Facebook as my status today:
"As I was reading an article about how psychologists, although said to be neutral, take out religion or God out of psychology, I realized that many people try to take God out of their daily lives such as careers or politics. To me, that's saying that you can separate God and the world but I do not believe that. You are either a Christian all the time or you are not a Christian at all."And then I added this: "You can't be a part-time Christian."
I gave a talk few months ago based on Elder Robert D. Hales's talk called Being a More Christian Christian. I compared having a testimony to being converted and I believe that they are two different things. Just because you have a testimony or have knowledge that something is true, it does not mean that you are a different person. You become a different person when you act or when you change, convert. Conversion, according to the Bible Dictionary, "will change a natural man into a sanctified, born again, purified person—a new creature in Christ Jesus." We will have "no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Italics added, Mosiah 5:2).
Even in the Sacrament prayer, we are commanded to "always remember Him" (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77). God never told us that we can sometimes remember Him or be a Christians when necessary or only on Sundays. He commanded us to "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death" (Mosiah 18:9).
Do not be a part-time Christian. Wherever you might be, whatever the circumstance it might be, always be a (full-time) Christian. You cannot serve two masters. If you are a member of Christ's church, be a member of His church always and in everything you do.
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