I am a Faker...

This morning I was reflecting on how I was feeling. I felt confused, lonely, and other things. I didn't know why so of course, like I do all the time, I started to dig deeper. I am confused about how to connect everything I am experiencing here in Utah with what I know to be true. I got no one to express myself to. But that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about how much I fake in front of people.

I think about how I will show myself as depressed, angry, confused and so on in front of others but once I start talking to them, those expressions disappear and smile appears on my face. People don't know what's going through my head. They don't know how I feel. They just believe what I say and what's on my face. They think, 'Kyoo is always happy because he smiles all the time.' Well, that's false. I am not happy all the time. Perhaps I am happy most of the times but at the same time, I am still confused and lonely on many days.

I guess that's what I do best though. I fake and I let people don't see what's wrong with me. Or people don't want to recognize that I am not happy all the time because they don't want to ask me if something is wrong or they don't want to hear me complain. That's cool, I guess. I can understand that. I really can but for the person that I am, I feel like I have to listen to someone and help them out no matter what. That's what I've been doing but sometimes I wish there were someone like me to listen to me.

People always ask each other how they are doing. Automatic responses are "good!" They don't really say how they are feeling or how they are doing. I do it too but recently I have been saying, "All right" or have hard time what to say because I am not doing great but I am not doing bad either. On the other hand, if I say "bad," they freak out and start asking me what's wrong but then if I tell them what's going on, they usually don't know how to help me or respond to what I said. So perhaps there is no win-win situation here.

What can I say? Even if I want to tell people how I really am, there's no one. When people ask me how I am doing, nothing would come out of it if I said "good," but if I said "bad," people would ask me why I am doing good but they wouldn't be able to help me anyways. So what's the best choice? Just fake it. Just fake it and don't let them see how I am really doing and feeling. No one knows what I am going through right now. No one knows how I am feeling. I just fake it and keep it in my heart.

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An Analogy of Life

So this is an analogy I thought of as I was walking past the Wilkinson Center.

Life has many roads that we come across. Some of them are right ones but some of them are not. We don't know which one we need to choose. We think we know which way to go to but we aren't sure.

Each road has a rope you can hold onto to get to wherever it leads you. Maybe there's an end but you hold onto it tight until you get to the end. Of course, you will have a rope burn and you might be disappointed that it didn't lead you anywhere but it's OK because you can still choose another road and the rope burn will heal. You will only be left with a scar that will remind you of a mistake you made.
Another road will take you somewhere. Even on this road, you would hold onto this rope tight because you feel this is the right thing to do but you don't know where it will lead you. Are you afraid of the rope burn? Are you afraid that it will lead you to a dead end? Are you afraid that it's a wrong road? Any of those matters because the rope burn will heal and there are still many roads you can take. I am going to hold onto this rope and see where it will take me. I don't care if it will burn me or lead me nowhere. I know it will take me somewhere and I want to know how it ends and where it will take me.

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Extraordinary

I have a lot of times in my hand right now to think about anything I want. There isn't much going on at work and I've been working for four hours already but I still got two more hours to go.

Anyways, i want to talk about what we call "extraordinary." It means something that is not ordinary or outside of the paradigm of ordinary. What we do everyday is ordinary. What we usually don't see is extraordinary.

In the sacrament meeting on Sunday, I learned about how we do extraordinary things to serve others. I pondered about that and thought about the things we do to serve others. We pay tithing, pay fast offerings, do community service projects, home teaching, visiting teaching, etc. These are "ordinary" things for the LDS. However, to others, who receive these services, these can be very extraordinary. For example, one day in college, I was walking home from school and saw a friend of mine. I didn't do much but just talk to her for five or ten minutes. It was an ordinary thing I did. I am sure you will agree with me that talking to your friend isn't something extraordinary. However, before I approached her to talk to her, she was praying for someone to talk to. To her, something ordinary to me was extraordinary. Do you see what I mean by ordinary becomes extraordinary?

Now how many times do we do ordinary things everyday of our lives? Think about how many of those become extraordinary. To serve others and to become miracles in others' lives, you don't have to do something "extraordinary;" you just need to do something ordinary for others. If you feel you are too ordinary to do something amazing, you are wrong... according to my logic. You are extraordinary to others even if you feel ordinary to yourself. So get outside and do something ordinary for others.

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Putting My Life in Order

*As I was writing this, I realized that it might sound like I am boasting or being prideful but I know that no one reads this so I am not writing this to be boastful or prideful. I am writing it somewhat for myself. They say if you share it or talk about it, you gain more. That's what I wish to accomplish here.*

For over a month now, I've been trying to live more righteously or in line with the teachings of the Church. Some of them are very often what we call "Primary answers" but even those "Primary answers" are neglected by many members of the Church.

One thing I want to accomplish right now in my life is my patriarchal blessing. I realized that there are many blessing that the Lord promised me and the things that need to be fulfilled by me. So far what I recognized is that only one thing has been fulfilled which is my full-time mission.

I read and re-read my patriarchal blessing to see what the blessings that the Lord promised me are and the things I have to do to obtain those blessings. After pondering on those things, I decided that I, first, need to keep basic gospel principles such as reading/studying scriptures and praying daily.

The second thing I learned from my patriarchal blessing is that I need to go to the temple "often." Now I have no clue to God what "often" means but what I can sacrifice and what I can do right now is going to the temple every Saturday. I hoped that this would be acceptable to the Lord's eyes.

The third thing was actually from something I heard during the Sacrament meeting on one Sunday. The speaker only talked about the Christlike attributes then I had an inspiration that I need to start working on those attributes. So that night, I decided that I will work on one attribute every week. Now I think about it, I need to do something more to ponder about what it means to develop those attributes and what are some things I should focus on.

There are so many things I need to and want to work on. I hope I will get some inspirations like the one I had during the Sacrament meeting to know the things I need to do to put my life in accordance with the principles. My hope is that I will make this list longer and longer so that I will be able to make these into habits or parts of me.

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"For that moment..."

I really wish someone told me this amazing concept before.

While I was in my LDS Marriage and Family class, Prof. Brooks talked about Elder Nelson's experience as a heart surgeon:

Elder Nelson went through tons of schooling, internship, residency, and experience to become a surgeon. It took him years and years. After few years of practicing, he was asked by one couple to operate on their second child who had a heart problem. This couple had lost their first child from the same problem but trusted in Elder Nelson. However, the surgery failed and the child died during the surgery. Few years later, the same couple had another child with the exact same problem and once again, they trusted Elder Nelson to do the operation on their third child. The surgery failed again.

Elder Nelson was depressed and was disappointed in himself. He came home after that surgery and just cried in his wife's arms. He told her that he will never do another heart surgery ever again. There are so many things that his wife could have said but she said nothing.

The next morning, Sister Nelson came to Elder Nelson and told him to get back on his feet and go back to work. She told him that if he gives up now, someone else will have to go through the same burden that he's going through. It's better for him to carry that burden than someone new since he has experienced it already.

Many years later, he received a call from Pres. Kimball, then an Apostle, asking him to do an open heart surgery on Pres. Kimball. Before the surgery, Elder Nelson received a blessing from Pres. Lee that there won't be any mistakes and the operation will go perfectly, and it did.

I realized from this story that Elder Nelson has been prepared for that moment in his life when the Lord needed his knowledge and experience. If Elder Nelson didn't go through all those trials, experiences, and education, he wouldn't have performed that surgery in perfection. I feel that everything I am doing right now, everything I am learning, and all the temptations and trials are for one moment or moments in my life when the Lord needs to use me as His instrument to bless the lives of others. There's a reason for everything and I think everything that happens isn't "free" either. The Lord lets things happen so that we can be strong and somehow be useful to Him. I wish somebody told me this as soon as I got back from my mission.

It reminds me of a quote by Winston Churchill: "To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour."

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Faith requires action and action requires faith

I just started reading this book called "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven" by Grant Von Harrison. It teaches to perfect one's faith enough to draw the full power of heaven. It talks about faith; how faith drives us to act. We want blessings in our lives. People go to church because they know the blessings that come from going to church. People go to the temple because they understand the importance of the temple. People read the scriptures because there's power that they get from reading the scriptures. People do these things because they have faith that the Father in Heaven will fulfill His promises. Faith leads us to act.

However, some people act because they are supposed to. They don't really think about the blessings they can receive. They are pressured to go to church or they don't want to look like less-active members. Fear and shame drive them to act then the blessings do not come. If they pay tithing so they wouldn't look bad to their bishops or they don't want to be stigmatized as sinners, the promises that God has given them will not be bestowed upon them because they lack faith. Therefore, faith requires action and action requires faith.

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August 5, 2008

08-05-08 Tuesday

"This is it... last day [at] the MTC. I leave to LA tomorrow at 5.

"I already packed half of my things and waiting for my laundry to be done.

"...After lunch, we came back to the classroom to get our jackets and [Hermano] Salmon left us some notes. Mine is on the back cover of 3rd journal.

"...I am afraid. I [am] not afraid to go to LA. I am not afraid to speak Spanish, but I am afraid [that] I will never see everyone in my district again. Hermana Smith, Hermana Colgan, Elder Kim, Elder Arnold, Elder Heaps, Elder Gardner, Hermano Salmon, and Hermana Summers. I hate goodbyes. I don't want to say goodbyes. I don't want this to end. I really don't.

"After walking around everywhere and packing, we went to the TE building and said goodbye to [Hermano] Johnston. Then we met [Hermana] Summers. She said she is going to write letters to us so she wanted to meet us in the classroom.

"...After the Devotional and District Devotional Review, we got everyone in the zone to come to our classroom and sang "God Be With You Till We Meet [Again]" in Spanish. Hermano Salmon actually came too! He ran from the temple and made just in time. It was amazing. I loved it.

"Afterward, we said goodbyes to Hermanas. [Hermana] Smith was crying. I wanted to give her a hug so bad. I know we will see each other again.

"Right now it's 11:30. I have to wake up at 4. I wrote on Elder Campbell's journal and [Elder] Ridge's. I know they are going to be great missionaries.

"I hate goodbyes. I hate them so much. Why can't we just stay together forever? Why do we have to meet amazing people then go away? I hate this feeling of leaving them. I hate goodbyes because I feel like I will never see them again. Will I see everyone again? Will I be able to keep in [touch] with them? ...I already miss them. I know I will cry as I leave the MTC. I just know...

"This is the last page of this journal and last day [at] the MTC. Tomorrow is the beginning of my journal, my mission, and everything...."

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August 02, 2008

08-02-08 Saturday

"So today, Hermana Summers didn't show up [to class] because she's sick but we got to see [Hermana] Crosby's mission pictures. (Side-note: she got engaged! Hermano Kinsey propsed to her) Now I am so stoked to go out there now because people there are my kind of people: kind, generous, humble, and super awesome!

"Mission home looked so cool, and LA Temple is the second biggest temple! I can't wait to go to LA now. I am so stoked! I am still a little nervous but I am way more excited.

"They have ice cream trucks going back and forth every [five] min. People feed you as if you are pigs. They would just give you anything you [want]. Oh man, I can't wait!

"I can't wait to meet my mission president [and] his wife. [Hermana] Crosby said [that] they are so awesome and advised [us] to be obedient. Of course!"

I remember this day because I was really excited about going to the mission field. We already got our flight plans and were leaving in four days. All of us were really excited. And that ice cream truck thing is SO true! They do go by every five minutes. Way annoying...

Hermana Crosby did marry Hermano Kinsey. My first area was one of her areas so she asked me to send her a copy of the ward directory so she can send wedding invitations to the members.

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What the creation of God made me think

August 12, 2010 Thursday

"Opposite compliment each other. When God created everything, He created light and it was good because it separated from the dark. Existence of both shows the beauty of them. Without one, there's no existence of the other. The relationship of the two makes the reality and their existence. Not necessarily they are opposite but because they form an amazing relationship that brings out their uniqueness.

"Same for us. I don't believe in 'opposition' anymore because how do we determine what is the opposite of what? For example, male and female; how are they opposite? What is the meaning of opposite? We are different but the differences in us show our characters. We can't say males are on one end and females on the other just because we are different physically and psychologically. What if we are the same? We are all humans. In this paradigm, we are not opposites; we are the same.

"It's all relationship. You and I have a relationship and that determine my and your existences. Just like light and darkness; one exists because the other exists.

"Why are sin, evil, temptation, greed, pain, Satan, etc bad? If my statement above is true then essentially aren't they 'good' because they bring out forgiveness, good, happiness, selflessness, joy, Christ, etc? Essentially aren't they all one? They are all connected. If you disregard one that you think is 'bad,' you disregard 'good' also. No one can define 'good' and 'bad' but if you do then you are limiting yourself from the world. If you go through your life not experiencing 'bad' then perhaps you will never know 'good.'

"One more thought: God thought that Earth was beautiful when the Earth was filled with His creations. Isn't the land beautiful by itself without plants? Maybe not to us but God's creation is beautiful of its own. Perhaps beauty is something unique or something different. One cannot be beautiful by itself. It needs to be compared. Anyone would deny that beauty comes from comparing but it is! You find something unique about it. Something different. To find it, you compare. There's no escaping the relationship of everything"

Do I care if all of you think I am crazy? No, not at all. You define crazy for me then I will let you know if I am crazy or not. Just because I think about the things that you've never had or believing everything I say, doesn't mean that I am crazy. I don't know. I could be wrong about all this but I still do believe that we are all connected and you can't exist without me and I can't exist without you.

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July 24, 2008

07-24-08 Thursday

"...Every teaching I had to do, I could feel the Holy Ghost so strongly. When [we were] teaching [Hermana] Summers as an 8 year-old girl the Law of Chastity, I felt the Holy Ghost so strong that I actually thought of her as an 8 year-old girl. Also when [we were] teaching [Elder] Arnold, he asked me bunch of things about the facsimiles in the book of Abraham. I told him I don't know everything but God knows everything and that he should pray to God with faith; however, I know that everything-the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price-is true. I have never felt the Spirit so strong... Then I had a flashback of John: how he asked me the same question and I didn't know what to say. I really wished I knew what to say to John. For the longest time, I kept thinking about him and wishing I could have said the same thing I told [Elder] Arnold to John. I guess [Hermana] Summers noticed something wrong with me. (If she didn't, I would [have been] surprised) because she wanted to talk to me. She asked me what's up and I told her how I had a flashback and everything. She said sometimes it's OK to let go, meaning it's OK to cry. I didn't but I really felt like it though...

"During RC, I talked to so many people who were nice. Second person I talked to was an African American who lives in Norfolk, VA. He wanted a Lamb of God video and talked about how he met with missionaries a few times but he was out on his boat for a few weeks/months that he lost contact [with them]. I sent him missionaries and expressed to him how happy I was that he's meeting with the missionaries. He said, 'I know you are happy! I can hear in your voice!' I hope he gets baptized.

"Another phone call was from a lady. At first, she asked for my name and I told her then she said, 'Kyoo, God bless you.' So I told her, 'God bless you for calling.' She just bursted out laughing. Then when I asked her for address, she said, 'now Kyoo, you are not flirting with me, are you?' I was like, 'What?' Then she said she was just teasing me. Even though she didn't want missionaries to visit her, I will pray someday she will receive the gospel."

Oh, John... He was one of my roommates in my first semester at BYU. He was not a member of the Church but he met with the missionaries few times until they gave up on him. Ian and I talked to him few times and he asked us a lot of questions. One of the questions was exactly what Elder Arnold asked us. As soon as he asked me that question, I thought of John. I really wish I knew as much as I do now because I could've helped him but I couldn't... I should've taken seminary more seriously. I should've the scripture study more seriously. When I was needed, I was useless. Guilt and regret swept over me then and they still do now. I will have to live with these feelings for a long time and I won't be able to forgive myself for that. Don't ever repeat what I've done or what I didn't do...

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