Family Search Indexing

I probably should have talked about this long time ago but I just thought I would share it.

Second Monday of last month, my ward FHE group learned how to index. The guy who taught us how to index is in one of my psychology classes and the next day, he told me that we get prizes for indexing. If we index 500 names/month, we get a BYU water bottle. If we get 1000/month, a BYU baseball cap. 1500, a BYU hoodie. So I indexed like crazy like month and got up to around 700 names. Then the bishop of our Singles ward announced that I got the highest number of names indexed in front of the entire ward. Pretty embarrassing I must say.

This month, however, is different. There are people who want to compete even though I wasn't doing to compete or to win anything but these prizes. Also, I found out that there is a ward in our stake that wants to beat us at indexing. Last Sunday, we were down by 1000 names but by Monday, we passed them by 3000 names.

So by last Sunday, I only have done around 300 names. By Monday night, I did 1500 names. So far, I've done a little over 3100. By this morning, I was on the second place in my ward by 40 names (I had around 2300-ish). Am I winning? I don't know but I know I will get a BYU hoodie. :)

Also, the guy I told you about in the beginning told me that we are trying to beat the ward's own record from last November. We needed to get 5000 more names to beat the record this morning. I am guessing everyone was indexing today so I would assume that we only need around 2000 to 3000 names more to beat the record.

I encourage all of you to do it because it's so much fun and addicting! Also, you get way good at reading cursive. :)

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Repentance, Forgiveness, Agency

I am in need of repentance and of your forgiveness.

Recently, I have been selfish and thought only about myself. I worried about getting hurt and tried to protect myself. However, I have not thought about how you would feel or what you thought.

I could have only complained to you about my problems. I could have ignored you so I wouldn't get hurt. I am sorry. I should have thought about how you felt and you would feel.

Even now, I am worried about how I am feeling rather than helping patrons at work. I am doing mediocrity work rather than doing my best or being enthusiastic. I need to repent. I need to change.

I don't want to give excuses but I want you to be understanding at the same time. I have been hurt many times and I get depressed easily. Obviously, I don't want you to hurt me; however, I am not saying that it's by any of you but of myself. You see, I realized that it's not what happens that makes me sad; I make myself sad. Just like Satan can't make me do things, nothing can make me sad. I choose to be sad.

So don't feel bad if you think you caused me harm but forgive me if I blamed you or if you felt like I blamed you. I will repent and stop blaming others for my sadness. I will also do my best to choose to be happy.

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Sleeping

This would be the first post that doesn't seem too depressing. :)

I realized the past two days that I hate sleeping. OK, maybe I realized that long time ago but sometimes I have a really hard time falling asleep especially under a certain circumstance.

The past few days I went to bed and was started to fall asleep, THEN something happened and woke me up COMPLETELY! The worst part is that when I wake up, I can't go back to sleep. I am literally wide awake. Also, even if I tried to fall asleep, I get this restless leg syndrome which drives me nuts! I toss and turn which doesn't help much when you try to fall asleep.

The only solution that worked so far is going to the living room and trying to sleep on the couch. That, for some reason, seems to work better than sleeping in my bed. I usually wake up after 10 minutes or so then I go back to my bed.

Ugh, it's so annoying.

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Being Happy In the Moment

From an Apostle of the Lord


From a scientist of men


They are the same! What does that mean to you?

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Trying to Live

If you feel like I am being mean to you, I am sorry. I am not trying to be mean; I am trying to live. I internalize things a lot and tend to get angry or depressed. When I tell you off or say mean things, I am not mad at you but I am trying to protect myself from...you know.

Anger sometimes helps me move on better than sadness. I might think bad of you to forget what happened or even you. I might not even talk to you. I might probably ignore you. I am only trying to live.

I am sorry if I make you mad. I am sorry if I make you sad.

If it helps you, get mad at me. Hate me. Despise me. Then forget me.

But let me live.

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You Are Nothing But Good

When people think of any of Spider-Man movies, they think of this quote "With great power, comes great responsibility." Although it's one of the most famous quote, it doesn't seem to apply to me. However, today I was watching "The Amazing Spider-Man" and there was a part at the end where I cried. I cried because that's exactly how I felt. I related to him deeply.

The part was after Captain Stacy's funeral. Gwen came to talk to Peter but Peter told her that they can't see each other. After she left, Aunt May asks Peter if he was going to ask her out. Peter tells her no then Aunt May asks why not. He says, "I am not good enough for her." I feel like that all the time. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I keep hurting people. I keep disappointing people. Sometimes I don't even want to try to date because I feel like they would be better off without me.

However, what Aunt May told Peter was what gives me hope: "Peter, you are nothing but good."

People have told me over and over again that I am a good person, that I am good enough. I believe them...sometimes. I am not completely convinced many times.

As I was thinking about this, I thought about what matters the most. What matters the most is how God views me. Does my Father in Heaven think I am good enough? Am I good?

"My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom." -Doctrine and Covenants 136:31-

 To be worthy or to be "good," I must endure all things. All things prepare me to for the eternal life...God's life, perfection.

Faith, hope, charity and patience.

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The Worst Day

Don't freak out guys. I am all right.

I got rid of Facebook. I screamed. I punched a wall several times. I hit my legs. I pounded a table. I got a knife and tried to slice my wrist. I didn't go far at all because it hurt. Don't do it guys. It hurts as soon as the knife cuts through the skin and touches the flesh. Your nerve starts to scream pain.

This morning I woke up with no desire to get out of bed. No motivation to go to school. No motivation to go to work. I snoozed my alarm twice then the third time, I turned it off. As I was lying there, I had a thought that told me to get up. I was suddenly filled with energy. I got out of bed and knelt down next to it then prayed. I prayed for strength and a will to live.

Before I left my apartment this morning, I prayed to devote my life to God. I told Him that I would give Him my life and that I would serve Him.

I am here at work now. I had a marvelous day. I had fun. I learned a lot. Now, I get to serve others.

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Creativity for My Journal

I was reading my friend's mission blog when this caught my eye:

"When I'm not happy, or when I'm struggling emotionally, creativity just stops. I write less, create less. Happiness leads to a surge of creativity, and of ideas."

It is true. I do write less when I am not happy. I have no motivation to write. When I am happy, I write more. When I spend time with certain people, I definitely write more because it's interesting and I want to remember every part of that experience.

The person, who could make me write in my journal; who makes me want to remember every conversation and experience we had together; and who puts a smile on my face as I write in my journal, is the person who I want to be with. (Do semicolons go after "person" and "journal" or did I use them correctly?)

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Still Hoping for the Future

You know that I write in my journal pretty regularly. For the most part, I do it for my future generations. Not long ago, I have said good-bye to them because I decided that I wasn't going to date anymore and lock my heart. I was tired of dating.

However, I can't help but think that I am going to have children. I have "seen" them. I have seen them few times. It sounds weird, I know. However, I have seen two of my children in the temple. I have seen four in a dream: two boys and two girls. Today, I saw a daughter.

I was making banana bread while listening to classical music on Pandora. I decided that it is one of my favorite things to do now. For some reason, it is so fitting to bake and listen to classical music. Anyways, while I was thinking about how awesome this experience was, I thought I saw myself teaching a girl how to bake as we listened to classical music. I knew it was my daughter and this is something that I would like to do.

I still do have hope to have children. There are so many things to do for and with them. I can't wait to raise my children "uprightly before the Lord."

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Bad Days and Good Days

Recently, I feel like I have been having more bad days than good days. Friday was the worst I had in a long time. I was at work and I was thinking about everything that is not going right and started to worry about the future. Then it got so bad that I was in a verge of crying my eyes out in front of everyone in the library. I guess that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was how I wanted to disappear...meaning just wanted to not exist anymore. Different ways of disappearing came to my mind. (Yes, I am not saying killing myself because I just do not like the sound of that so I have changed to disappearing.)

How did I get through it? It was hard. I knew I had to get my mind off of things but it was just a bad day so anything I did didn't help much. It was even harder to study for a test that I was going to take on Saturday so I had to wrap it up early.

Sometimes I ask myself why I wouldn't just disappear. If things get so tough and everything seems so hopeless, why wouldn't I just give up? I don't have answer to that. Perhaps, there is something that's still pulling me back to the quality of life. Perhaps, there still is hope in this world. Perhaps, there still is something for me to do. I have no clue but I am still here.

This morning I studied about patience. Preach My Gospel says that "patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering. It is the ability to accept His timing. When you are patient, you are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully." I know I am being impatient and it causes me to lose hope and faith. Patience will help me stay on the right path a little bit longer. I know that in the end, I will "reap the rewards of [my] faith, and [my] diligence, and patience, and long-suffering." (Alma 32:43)

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