Recently, I feel like I have been having more bad days than good days. Friday was the worst I had in a long time. I was at work and I was thinking about everything that is not going right and started to worry about the future. Then it got so bad that I was in a verge of crying my eyes out in front of everyone in the library. I guess that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was how I wanted to disappear...meaning just wanted to not exist anymore. Different ways of disappearing came to my mind. (Yes, I am not saying killing myself because I just do not like the sound of that so I have changed to disappearing.)
How did I get through it? It was hard. I knew I had to get my mind off of things but it was just a bad day so anything I did didn't help much. It was even harder to study for a test that I was going to take on Saturday so I had to wrap it up early.
Sometimes I ask myself why I wouldn't just disappear. If things get so tough and everything seems so hopeless, why wouldn't I just give up? I don't have answer to that. Perhaps, there is something that's still pulling me back to the quality of life. Perhaps, there still is hope in this world. Perhaps, there still is something for me to do. I have no clue but I am still here.
This morning I studied about patience. Preach My Gospel says that "patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering. It is the ability to accept His timing. When you are patient, you are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully." I know I am being impatient and it causes me to lose hope and faith. Patience will help me stay on the right path a little bit longer. I know that in the end, I will "reap the rewards of [my] faith, and [my] diligence, and patience, and long-suffering." (Alma 32:43)
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