A Decision

I have been too obsessed about dating recently: just worrying about it and thinking way too much about it. I think about the future too much. So I made a big decision today: my future spouse is not here in Utah.

I told you before (or not) that I feel like Binghamton, NY is where I should be after I graduate. I feel like that is the place where I will meet my wife. I am not saying that I am not going to go on dates but I really don't think anything will happen even if I went on dates here.

I might be saying this to myself so I wouldn't worry about dating but I think this is the right thing to think about at this time.

So that's my decision. This helps me not take dating seriously but just have fun. At the same time, I won't worry about dating or about getting married. It will help me be patient.

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A Part of Kyoo You Didn't Know

I guess this is a bonus for some of you who follow my blog pretty regularly.

I decided to open myself up to you and tell you a secret. I feel like if you get on my blog to read what I write, you care about me.

You know how I want to emphasize in depression/suicide when I go to grad school, right? Do you know why? Perhaps, not because I don't really tell people why.

Some people asked me why some people commit or want to commit suicide. I tell them that it's because they just don't want to suffer. It could be true that many people don't see the point of living, but I feel like many people just want peace in their lives and want to stop suffering. I know what you think, 'if you have faith in Christ, you wouldn't commit suicide.' You would think that because you have not been there; you have not been in hell (obviously, this is relative). Even if you have a strong faith in God and Christ, you just want to end the suffering when it gets bad. You understand that you will not make it to the Celestial Kingdom. You understand that there is no forgiveness for killing yourself. You know that people who care about you will be sad to hear the news. However, ending your life seems better than what you are going through.

Now, you might ask how I know that. You probably have guessed by now. I have been there. I have felt exactly what I described above. Have I cut myself? Have I done anything to hurt myself? No. I have tried different things to kill myself though but obviously, they weren't good enough (I am kidding!).

Feeling depressed...sucks. I don't know how else to describe it. You literally feel like all the happiness is sucked out of you (Dementors?). You feel like you could never be happy. It really...sucks. You have no hope. You pray for guidance, faith, anything...but it feels like there is nothing that could make you happy. Your life seems meaningless. You feel meaningless. If you are by yourself, you feel lonely and feel like no one cares about you.

Sometimes, I wished I had some kind of an illness that would kill me soon. I wished I would get in a car accident. I thought about jumping off from the top of a building. I thought about taking tons of drugs. I thought about buying a ton of helium (I hear that's the most painless way to kill yourself). I thought about many things.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad for me. I am alive. I am still here. Thinking about them doesn't mean I am going to do them. There are things I do that help me cope with my weakness such as playing my guitar, singing, writing in my journal, and blogging. Honestly, anything that distracts me from feeling sorry for myself helps a lot.

I have faith in Christ. I am not going to kill myself...maybe.

What should you do if you meet someone who is depressed? Be there for them. They might not want to hang out with you but just invite them to do things with you or others. Keep them involved. Listen to them. Don't try to tell them that everything will be fine because they don't want to hear that or care to hear that. Just listen to them and tell them that you will be there for them when they need you. Being their friend is probably the best thing you can do for them.

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Kyoo's Parenting 101

So in my Developmental Psychology: Adolescence class, we were talking about what parents could do to help their children not cheat in school. My idea for my kids were pretty great and I thought it would be funny to share with you all.

KYOO'S PARENTING 101
I am going to help my children with their school work but when they ask me for help, I am going to tell them, "You are Asian. You know this." Obviously, I will help them time to time but I am not going to help them all the time so that they would have to find out answers for themselves, but one way of helping them is that I am going to use stereotypes to make them believe that they are smart (it works many times, I promise). It's all about whether you believe in yourself or not and when someone believes that he/she can do something, he/she will be able to actually do it. You should read/watch this post (Fake It Till You Become It!).

Anyways, I think it's a good idea, don't you?

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Why Some Receive Blessings

If you served a mission or are familiar with missionary work, you know that we promise blessings to investigators or people we teach. I heard a story on Sunday how this girl, an investigator, was promised so many blessings if she came to church on Sunday. As she started to come to church, all the blessings that were promised to her came.

My friend, J., who was sitting next to me asked me why he doesn't receive awesome blessings like the ones this investigator received. I realized that it's because we usually don't go to church expecting to receive blessings but to be taught. It's the same for all the commandments that we keep. Many times we forget to ask for blessings as we keep these commandments but we do it too casually. Do we not know that we can receive blessings from paying tithing? Windows of heaven will open (Malachi 3:10). If we were to think of blessings that we would like as we keep all the commandments, we will recognize those specific blessings.

I am not saying I do this but I want to. There are so many blessings that the Lord has promised me and I should continue to think about them as I pay tithing, attend all three church meetings, study the scriptures, pray, attend the temple, etc.

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Blessings: Small and Simple

There are two types of blessings: profound and minuscule. Many times we look for blessings that are so profound that they will knock our shoes off; however, not all the blessings are like that.

Recently, I decided to give up all the blessings I had been promised. I was so done. I gave up everything. However, something remarkable happened. I thought this was my second chance. I wanted to give all to make it work. The past four days have been so marvelous. However, it wasn't supposed to last forever. I learned much from my past experience what I needed to do. I was stubborn so I didn't want to do it but I knew it was the right thing to do. It hurt. I hurt a lot. However, S. told me that I should think about all the blessings I had received and that I should give up on all the blessings that I will receive.

So today, I went to LDS.org to read some scriptures and the video was one of the first things I noticed. President Monson stated, "I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness." and then invited us to "take an inventory of [our lives] and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, [we] have received." What a tender mercy of the Lord! He knows me. He knows what I need. He is always mindful of my existence.

The biggest blessing I have received is obviously the gospel of Jesus Christ. Without it, I would not be here. I don't mean here in Utah or in the US. I mean I would not be alive if it weren't for it. I would have lost all my hope and I would have taken my life long time ago, but I am here because I know that I am supposed to do something amazing with my life. I have faith and hope that things will work out. The Lord will take me wherever He wants me to go.

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin." -Matthew 6:28-

Related Posts 
Faith in God and in His Plans
A Change of Seasons
Worries And Fears

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Fruit of the Spirit

"...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
"Meekness, temperance..." -Galatians 5:22-23-

Last night, I was outside my apartment thinking. I thought about my feelings and thoughts. My feelings were shame, depression, sadness, hopelessness, anger, etc. Nothing particularly good. I thought about why I was feeling them. I thought about giving up. Then I remembered something; I remembered that God does not want me to fail. He doesn't want anyone to fail but return to Him. He does not give us shame, depression, sadness, or hopelessness. He gives us joy, hope, peace, faith, etc. He wants us to know that He loves us! He is benevolent! Even if I make mistakes, He will cheer me up and lift me up! He will always put His arms around me and comfort me. I particularly love this scripture talking about the fruit of the Spirit:

"For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth" -Ephesians 5:9-

Instead of giving up and letting everything go, I should think about how I can help the Lord accomplish His goals and plans. I should think of ways to serve others.

Every time I feel the fruit of Satan, I want to shout out:

"Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." -2 Nephi 4:28-

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Fake It Till You Become It

I love TED talks and this is such a powerful talk that will change your life (and your posture). A quote I really like from this is "Don't fake it till you make it; fake it till you become it."

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Be Happy Where You Are At

I don't know if this is what you guys got out of General Conference that we just had, but as I listened to President Uchtdorf during the Saturday Morning session, I started to think about how I am always worried about what I am doing and where I am going.

I worry a lot. I sometimes forget to enjoy where I am because I am so focused on the future. The consequence of this is that I don't notice what I have because I want to make sure I am doing the "right thing" to ensure a great future. However, what I don't realize is that perhaps what I have now is exactly what I need in the future and that I need to be able to appreciate what the Lord has given me now.

If I don't take a certain opportunity now, will the Lord provide me with another chance with the same opportunity or will He bless me with a different opportunity? How could He trust me with another opportunity if I am not willing to accept whatever He has given me before? Could I make a promise to Him that I will not let go of another opportunity if He were willing to bless me with such? Perhaps, my chances are all gone and I have lost His trust.

So now I am trying to be happy with where I am and what I got. I might not have much but I am here. I am alive. I have the gospel. I have my family. I am graduating. I have work. I have a fully functioning body. I have wonderful friends. I am happy where I am now.

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My Family's Baptism

I share with you an experience of one of the missionaries who taught my family, Jeff Gardner. I asked him to write about my family's baptism in his perspective and he has sent it to me recently. I wanted to share it with all of you so that you know what it means to be a missionary and see the Lord's hand in His work.

September 23, 2012

The Kim Family experiences while on my mission

            I want start by sharing one of my experiences I have had while on my mission to Peoria Illinois Mission from 2001 to 2003. I have had many experiences that I have seen while serving the lord for 2 years. He has answered my prayers and have lead to people that have changed my life forever and who I love so much. I know the Lord loves each of them and has a personal care from them.

            While I was in the area of Macomb, Illinois my companion and I along with Brother Mueller were teaching the Lee Family the 2^nd new member’s discussion. While we were talking Brother Lee said he talked to a friend about the church and said he would be interested in learning more. As the evening went they fed us “Kimche” which of course was very new to me. While they were serving the meal Brother Lee stood up and called Hong Sik Kim to set up an appointment for tomorrow night which was so great to witness. The next evening was what they call a missionaries dream and one of the most precious blessings from Heavenly Father to teach a family of four. I remember going with Brother Lee over to his friends to meet the Kim Family (Hong Sik, Seong Hee Park, Kyoo, Kwan). They were so kind to us and they had a great desire to learn and listen to us. We didn’t know Korean so Brother Lee translated for us. It was one of those experiences were we couldn’t hardly understand one another but the spirit I felt I can never forget. That night the Kim Family asked for the Book of Mormon in Korean and Brother Kim wanted to come to Church that next Sunday. I knew the lord prepared this family. I wrote in my journal that the lord blesses those after the trial of your faith.

            Hong Sik was such a kind man, bless his heart. We had our 2^nd discussion and he came and picked us up. What investigator would pick you up to learn more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ? That does not happen too often. They are such are such happy people. I gained a great love for them.  It was great to see the Kim family have faith as they put their efforts into studying the scriptures and hear their prayers. It is of course fun to hear them say their prayers and read scriptures in Korean.  I count my blessings to have been able to teach them.  My personal testimony has grown each day because of their examples of faith as they joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was such a great time to see them set a date for baptism (March 31, 2002). I know they are each children of our Heavenly Father. I have felt so much joy in my life as I have seen the Kim’s grow in the Gospel. We have had so much help teaching the Kim’s. We had a member, Sister Jensen from Fort Madison Iowa, travel to teach the discussions each week with us. How blessed we were to have their help. I know every time we taught the Kim’s the discussions the spirit filled my heart.

One experience that I remember teaching the Kim family is a time when we just got done teaching his family one of the discussions, the spirit filled the room. As we departed to go home Hong Sik Kim offered to take us back to our apartment. Just as we were getting out of his car in is broken English he thanked us for teaching him and his family. It was such a highlight. I know the Lord has specific plans for each member of the Kim family. I love them. I know the Lord loves each of them individually. I know the Church is true. I know these experiences will remain with me beyond the veil and into the eternities. I hope that we will always be close to the Kim Family. I admire their faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I hope my children will see the value of missionary work and have experiences that will build their own testimonies on their own missions.

On March 31, 2002 Easter Day the Kim family became members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It was fast and testimony meeting and the Kim family was sitting behind us in sacrament meeting while Brother Shawn Mueller got up and bore his testimony.  I looked behind me to look at the Kim Family and saw that Sister Seong Hee Park had tears in her eyes. I know she felt the spirit from our Heavenly Father. That experience helped me to feel the spirit. It was one of those moments that I can’t explain but what I do know it was very touching.  The members of the Macomb ward were so helpful and showed such great love and embraced the Kim family. It helped them see the gospel in action and feel the Saviors love.  That evening the Kim Family was baptized. The members sang “I am a Child of God”  in English then in Korean,  then Brother Lee gave a talk on baptism and Sister Jenson gave a talk on the Holy Ghost. I had the wonderful opportunity to baptize Brother Hong Sik Kim and Hyung Koo Kim. Elder Dale baptized Sister Seong Hee Park and Hyung Kwan Kim. What a day I will never forget. The lord was so merciful in allowing me to be a part of the Kim family baptism and be a part of each of their lives. I hope I will always be in touch with them. I know shortly after they were baptized they got involved with church callings and it was fun to see the Kyoo and Kwan get involved with the youth and church activities.  As years pass the Kim Family received the most precious gift from Heavenly Father, getting their endowments out and getting sealed with their family in the temple. As this missionary experience continue to grows, Kwan and Kyoo received mission calls one to California and the other to New York. What example they are to me. They will be great examples to my children. I know the lord loves them individually and is aware of their needs and desires. I know that Heavenly Father will bless them for their faith each day. I love them so much. I know this is the only way to receive complete happiness for our families.  I have a testimony of the Savior and the Atonement and that if we repent we can be forgiven if we keep his commandments by following our living prophet.

Jeff Gardner

Sister Jensen on the far left. Jeff on the far right.

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Disorganized Thoughts

If you saw labels for this post, you can definitely tell that I have a lot to say. However, they all might be one-liners.

Let's start following the order of labels.

Dating
I had to re-evaluate my life and figure out few things out. I made some new commitments and learned something that I have never thought/realized before. One thing I can say here is that I need to find myself a best friend. I don't know if I mentioned this before (I feel like I have) but I don't have a best friend. I have great friends but I don't have anyone whom I can just go to (and who is always available to listen to me). I want someone whom I can talk to about everything and who wouldn't mind listening to me complaining. There are few other things I realized but I can't share them here.

Family
My brother is getting married on Dec. 15th. YAY! I am so happy for him and Lia! I can't wait to go to Macomb this December for the first time in almost 4 years.

General Conference
I am really excited for General Conference because I know I will be able to receive so many inspirations that I need at this time. I will have to take a test between Saturday morning and afternoon sessions but it will be great to hear the words of prophets, seers and revelaters.

Food

I made these for work and they were all right. I think they could have been better if I were better at baking cookies. Trial #2 will shortly happen.

Gospel

I am so humbled that the Lord is always very mindful of me and is willing to help me when I need Him. The Savior is my best friend whom I can always go to and talk about everything.

School

I know I skipped life but everything I am talking about is life. I found out that grad school applications are due in two months which means I need to start preparing to apply. I also have a test tomorrow that I have to take and two in-class tests next Thursday. CRAZY!

Oh, I also get to teach Writing Within Psychology class next Monday. I am so excited and nervous.

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