Not My Thoughts Part 3

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about things that happen in my life and tender mercies of the Lord. It's hard to describe it right now but let me try.

My prayers have changed ever since I started reading "Look Up, My Soul." I pray for humility to be led by the Lord instead of counseling Him what I want to do. If anything happens, I accept it as His will. I would prefer Him leading my life than me trying to find my own way.

However, I started to wonder why the Lord has let certain things happen in my life. I prayed about it before but it never worked out but He is sending me more opportunities for me to rethink this through. Now fear has crept into my life that I am more scared to take this opportunity than not take it. If it didn't work out before, how could it work out now? I thought my friend, C., and his experience with something like this. It didn't seem like it was going to work out but in the end, it did. Does that mean it could work out for me too? If it doesn't, it will destroy me and I know it will.

Another fear that comes with this is that I don't know if it's the Lord who's leading me or my feelings. I feel like I acted on my feelings too many times to know that I can't let my feelings make choices for me. Figuring out if it's the Lord's will or my emotions' will is the most difficult task that I will ever have to experience/go through. Perhaps, the best way to distinguish if it's the Lord telling me what I should do and my emotions telling me what I want to do is just that: if I want to do it, it's my emotions.

Let me elaborate on the latter sentence. We hear many stories about how someone was inspired to do a certain thing which saved his/her life later on or saved their family. An extreme case, I know. However, you have to realize that that person probably didn't want to do that in the beginning. They just had a thought to do it. From my own personal experience, when I was inspired to drop by someone's house on my mission, I didn't dwell on that thought for a long time until I decided to do it. The inspiration just came and I acted on it. Another experience was that I had a thought in the morning that I should visit one of my friends so later on, I did. I didn't know why and nothing was wrong with her but I just did. Back to now, I've thought about doing something all day today but I wasn't sure if that's what the Lord wanted. I wanted to do it but I don't think I was inspired to do it. Does that mean it's not from the Lord? Was it a righteous desire? I would think so. Was it what the Lord wanted me to do? I can't say. Was it in His timeline that I did that? I don't know.

Am I correct on that principle? I don't think so. However, it might be correct for me. Everyone is different and everyone has different experiences in their lives. Maybe you have a gift to discern your thoughts from the promptings of the Holy Ghost, or maybe you have a gift to recognize the promptings. I, on the other hand, do not have that gift. Doctrine and Covenants 46:11 states that not everyone has all the gifts of the Spirit. However, I know that I can earn this gift my working for it. I am and have been working on it. It might take a long time for me to fully acquire it but I know I will have it.

I don't know how the Lord is leading me. I don't know His will. Most of the times I don't know what I should do. However, He is leading me and guiding me. I know that He is refining me. When He sees fit, He will show me what I should do. I may not know His will and His timing but I know that He loves me, and that should be enough.

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